I'm Fat, So What?

This post is not about loving myself and my body at whatever size and shape it happens to be at the moment.

The rest of that statement is: so what am I going to do about it?

I'll tell you what.

I've decided to train for a marathon (okay, half-marathon, but that is a huge commitment for me and my decidedly non-athletic self.)

I am not going to put the numbers out there because I am petite, so what is very over-weight for me is quite a normal range for taller people. You would say: fat? That's not really fat!

But I assure you, I am 40 lbs. overweight.

Until 2 years ago, I could wear all of the same clothes I wore in middle school. (Not that I did, of course.) I was the same height and the same weight within 7 - 10 lbs. between the ages of 13 and 27, and I was never skinny. In fact, I was always curvy and soft, not quite thick and voluptuous, but definitely not a stick figure.

My point is, that I don't have an unreasonable ideal weight in mind dictated to me by the media and the fashion industry that will always be out of reach and unattainable. My idea of what I should weigh and how I should look in my clothes comes from what I have always weighed in my adult life and how I have always looked in my clothes.

I own a scale, but I always went by how my clothes fit me. If things looked or felt a little snug, I would step on the scale and see that I had gained 5 lbs or so, and cut back on something, eat salads for a few days and return to my normal weight.

I was hit or miss with exercise. I liked to because I felt better overall, but I never was in a routine of doing it for weight-loss or weight control. I like pilates and yoga because I used to dance and the moves keep me flexible, they are also great for relaxation and de-stressing and easing muscle tension after a hard day.

I've always known about the benefits of training with light weights, but I got more serious about it around the age of 25 , because, like I said, I have always been soft and once I started on the downhill slope towards thirty, I thought it would be a good idea to get a head start on making sure the soft parts didn't start to sag.

When I was little my mother was hardcore about the health food. I mean no cow's milk, no sugar (not even hard candy and definitely no candy bars). She baked her own bread ( from wheat flour not white, of course) and made her own yogurt. I ate carob and not chocolate...I could go on...

But my point is, that while I have not always eaten health food every day of my adult life, making healthy choices was enough a part of me that I didn't crave or rely on fast food, or junk food. I don't sit in front of the tv eating chips and ice cream. (Ahem, didn't used to...)

Several things changed exactly 2 years ago, and I will not go into detail in this post, but in May of '05 I gained 10 lbs., and was unable to shake them. I was terribly upset. Ten became 15 and 15 became 20. Fortunately, I gain weight pretty evenly, so while some of my clothes didn't fit like I wanted, most things did.

Basically, I could wear everything but my slinkiest dresses and my skinniest jeans.

Twenty-five lbs. Oh no! Now my cute little blouses won't button without puckering! And my cute little tanks are beginning to ride up at the back and show cleavage at the front. Not the look I'm going for! Gasp! My strapless sundresses won't zip. Anything with a zipper won't zip!

I've got to join a gym.

I do, for the classes, and the moral support even though I own a treadmill, an elliptical, and an adequate collection of free weights.

I lose 7 lbs and gain 10 and lose 5 and gain 3 and lose 8....

You get the picture, so for months I'm hovering around 25 - 30 lbs overweight and I'm not making progress. I know why. It isn't a mystery, but it is still very frustrating.

Then a few months ago, the bottom really fell out for me (break-up, unemployment, and family illness combined). And I just couldn't find it within myself to take care of myself by eating healthy and working out. It was all I could do to make it through the day and fall into bed exhausted at the end of it...

So...then came the extra 10 lbs.

I am now officially very overweight.

It isn't that pesky 10 lbs I wish would go away so that I can wear my favorite party dress. It is blouses that won't button at all anymore and pullover shirts that get stuck at my shoulders and skirts that threaten to rip at the seams. And flabby arms and visible cellulite on my thighs - yuck!

This is the first summer I have not worn shorts at all. Thank goodness for capris - otherwise I would have been trapped wearing long pants all season.

I can't wear 85% of the clothes in my closet. Not just because I am self-conscious about my body and how I look in them, but because the majority actually don't fit. I cannot get into them.

I am so fed up.

A week ago, I was on msn.com and I saw an article entitled 3 Ways to Walk it Off from Prevention magazine. It's a really good article because it gives an actual step by step breakdown of how many minutes to walk at varying speeds to get results. One workout is only 20 minutes, and the other two are 45 and 60.

I won't go into it here, but part of my initial weight gain was due to health problems that sapped my energy. I am recovering, but I can't push myself like I could have when I was, say 20 and fit. I can't just hop on my elliptical machine and go for an hour, or get on my treadmill and run like I'd like to.

But I have to do something because I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel like I'm living in a fat suit. I have fat rolls. Belly rolls, back rolls, jiggly arms - ew! My waist has become absolutely non-existent and my breasts are out of control. I feel like they belong to someone else and they are constantly in my way! It is awful. I am so unhappy and choosing what to wear everyday is such a chore.

So, how did I go from no exercise to deciding to participate in a marathon?

Well, it's been a tickle in the back of my brain for years, but I never took the time to really plan for one. I can't run. I have terrible form. I don't own a good sports bra or running shoes. I will hear about a charity event about 3 -4 weeks before it starts and think: hey! That would have been a good cause to support, but there's no way I could be ready for it. I'm so out of shape, I'd cramp up or pass out on the course and require assistance. No thanks! That's not helping anyone!

There was a link to this page in the article I read. It has information about walker-friendly marathons and more step-by-step advice about how to train for entry in a marathon. I read it and thought: this I can do!

I used the feature: My Walking Calendar to create a 12 week program for myself. If I stick with it, I should be ready to walk 13.1 miles without feeling like I will fall out and die.

I start tomorrow. Now that I have written about it, I have to follow through!

I will keep you posted on my success.

Wanderlust: Part 3

I have several friends who have done (or are doing) missionary work in other countries all over the world, and I have always been fascinated. There are many reasons I have thought that it was a fine and noble endeavor, but not something I could really see for myself. (Taking a vow of poverty and living in an African or Latin American country for an undefined amount of time, perhaps never to return to life in the States is a huge commitment/sacrifice.) I have posted before about the fact that I am admittedly a material girl who loves her creature comforts.

However, I have always loved teaching people. I have always loved languages and words. (I have actually read a few dictionaries and several volumes of several encyclopedias. Just because I went through this phase when I was between 13 and 15 when I wanted to know everything! Dating myself, but it was before the Internet was like it is today.) I grew up in a home where there were always books and my parents encouraged me to study everything that interested me including the Bible.

I've always wanted to combine my love of teaching (and learning) with my wanderlust and gypsy ways and appetite for adventure. I have thought of going to a foreign country for an extended volunteer vacation of anywhere from 3 - 18 months. I have toyed with the idea of doing this since I was about 15. I've lost sight of the goal very many times in my adult life, but I feel like now is the perfect time to revisit it.

I would definitely need to rearrange my finances and tie up some other loose ends, so I am at least a year away from being able to make it happen, but it is certainly a goal worth working toward. And, although this is not my main reason for doing it, I believe what Renea said: That I will meet the man for me while living the life I want.

I always wondered what I would do with my hair if I did leave the country for more than a couple of weeks. Even when I was a teenager I thought about this. Depending on where I chose to go, I knew that trying to get a relaxer or find someone experienced in styling black hair would be difficult or nearly impossible. That was when I first started to look into alternatives to relaxers and thermal straightening. That was when I decided I would learn what my hair did naturally, while I still had access to knowledgeable stylists and various products.

Now that I have Sisterlocks and have read about the success that many women have had maintaining their own, I am completely confident that once I learn to retighten, I can go anywhere in the world and not worry about what to do with my hair!

Aya suggested that I learn how to install SLs so that I could take the trade with me wherever I go. Aya: Don't think it didn't already cross my mind! I am sure that as my SLs grow and mature they will inspire more compliments and curiosity. If I am in another part of the world and I am maintaining them myself and someone asks: Who does your hair? What are they? or Where can I get them done?, I would hate to have to tell them that I got them done in the states. I maintain them myself and there is no one in the area who can offer the service. I would love to tell them that I maintain my own and I do new Sisterlocks installations.

From all I have read, though it is possible to make your money back (from the cost of the class) you will never get rich doing it and may just squeak by and break even depending on where you're located, so...while it is something to think about, with all of my other long-standing and more immediate goals, that is definitely on the back burner. But I really might do it someday.

And I know you've got to be thinking: So....are you going to a third world country to help the poor, or are you going to an affluent European or Asian country to help yourself?

Umm...Can't I do both? I do, however, need to decide which to pursue first.

I'll keep you posted!

Wanderlust: Part 2

About a month ago I posted about a temporary job assignment in France. I was slightly disappointed that it didn't come together, but, c'est la vie.

Well, yesterday I saw the movie Sicko, by Michael Moore. I agree with Jazmine that people who need to see his movies are those least likely to. He is perpetually preaching to the choir. I knew a lot of what was said also, but it was an eye-opener nonetheless, and humorous, and scary, and sad. I laughed and I cried. Really.

Now I actually want to move to France. Permanently.