BistroMD - Post 3

I decided to go with BistroMD over eDiets for this reason:

In their literature they talk about the fact that the balance of protein, carbohydrates, fat and fiber influences body chemistry and how the body responds to weight loss and hunger.

None of that is news to me, but it really is difficult to plan and eat every meal with that in mind.

They also mention that the more weight you gain and the more times you lose it and gain it back, the harder it becomes to lose it and keep it off. Everyone knows that too.

But the hard part is what to do about it. And how to put forth that effort consistently.

I feel like this is a powerful statement if it is true: "BistroMD scientifically targets insulin resistance and the Metabolic Syndrome to retrain your body to lose weight."

I am not diabetic, but I have been told by more than one medical doctor that I have pancreatic issues and should be concerned about my insulin levels and that the imbalances have caused a lot of my weight gain and hampered my efforts to lose it.

The idea is that if I stick to this diet for 4 to 8 weeks it will help reset my metabolism and stabilize my insulin levels.

I would like to think so. It has been so hard for me to do it on my own.

"It's more than calories. It's deeper than food..."

"Unlike other diet plans, BistroMD is not just convenient, low-calorie food. Each meal and each day is designed with the proper combination of nutrients." It's all about proper nutrition and promoting healthy weight loss - getting the body and metabolism to work properly so that you can lose fat and feel healthy and satisfied and nourished.

I like that philosophy. It appeals to me.

I am not posting this for any personal gain. I am simply detailing my weight loss journey the same way I did with my Sisterlocks. I spoke about what did and didn't work for me.

It is only Day 2 of this new eating plan, so it remains to be seen if it will work for me and how well.

But, if you do decide to try BistroMD based on my comments or recommendation, please e-mail or call me (864-423-4936) because they sent me codes that will allow you to get $50 off your first order. That's a significant discount.

BistroMD

There are several companies out there that do meal delivery. The first two that come to mind are BistroMD and eDiets.

I read all of the info on both websites years ago when I first began the weight gain and felt like I needed to do something drastic...

I believed in the principle.

The idea behind both is that there is built-in portion control and convenience. You don't have to spend time shopping for and preparing low-calorie, nutritionally-balanced meals. You simply heat and eat.

I like to shop and I like to cook, but it is still a challenge to do it in a healthy way 7 days a week, 3 times a day. Even when I want to eat healthy food, I don't always have all the ingredients on hand. And even when I do have all of the ingredients on hand, I don't always feel like taking the time to cook everything.

At a minimum, the quickest meals I can whip up take 20 minutes and the longest are probably an hour to an hour and a half (soups, casseroles, gumbo, jambalaya). I seem to average 30 - 45 minutes beginning to end.

You know how sometimes you walk in the door and you are famished and you want food right that minute?! You feel like you're starving and you want something good to eat in 10 minutes or less... Or you're driving home wracking your brain for what you can fix when you get in your kitchen and none of your choices seem appealing? Or, worse, you're driving around town or languishing in the grocery store feeling desperate and hungry...

I find myself there several times a week - almost once a day.

I actually don't like fast food, and yet I end up buying it far too often because it's quick and convenient.

I'm pretty sure I've said this before. I grew up eating healthy, home-cooked meals and I wasn't allowed to eat at fast food restaurants more than once a month, so it's not a habit I can't kick, but changes in my lifestyle have made it difficult.

I like to cook, and I prefer my own food, but when it's been too many hours since my last meal, my preferences, good sense, and will power go out the window.

Drive-thru it is.

But I think this BistroMD plan will help me change for the better.

I'm usually not more than 15 - 30 minutes from my apartment at any given time. Knowing that I have gourmet quality food that will go from refrigerator to plate in less than ten minutes definitely gives me the incentive and the willpower to bypass all of the other less healthy choices and head straight home.

And if I do start working outside the home in an office in the near future, it is something I can conveniently pack to take with me and prepare easily without any muss and fuss. And I won't have that feeling of sacrifice and deprivation that accompanies meal replacement bars and shakes.

Le Sigh....

So I mentioned that I'm battling the weight (again).

And the things I've been trying in the past year haven't been working. I've seen my weight creep up by 35 lbs instead of losing that amount like I intended.

Ay-yi-yi! (How do you spell that?)...Anyway....

I fell into some really bad habits in the last 18 months and they've caught up with me. Plus there are some (like emotional eating when I'm stressed or unhappy) that I will always have to deal with.

And I do like restaurants - fine dining and world cuisine, street eats and food trucks - all types of food, which I was never ashamed to say when I was thin. And now that I am married, it's nice going out for date night - eating out is social, fun time with my husband, a welcome change from the routine of eating at home.

I don't feel like I make terrible choices or eat excessive portions, but I am likely to order an appetizer and eat the bread they bring while you're waiting and have a cocktail or two and a dessert. I feel certain I average 1500 to 2000 calories on a dinner out - maybe more if I order something with rich sauces or fatty meats. And let's not talk about the sugars and starches.

Don't get me wrong. I love vegetables. I prefer vegetables, but unless you are at a vegetarian restaurant or order a vegetarian dish, the vegetables are almost always an afterthought relegated to the side of the plate. It just is that way.

When I cook at home, I always serve myself what would seem to most people a disproportionate amount of vegetables - two or three times the amount of meat or bread or pasta. I feel cheated otherwise, but that's not what I ever expect to get when I eat out, although I wish I could.

I say that, but I know that when I eat out, I tend to order things I wouldn't buy and cook at home. I feel like it's pointless to get dressed and leave the house to pay $10 or $15 for a salad I could have made at home for $3 or $4.

And let's face it, most low-calorie and low-fat menu options are just not that appealing in comparison to everything else on a restaurant menu.

I don't like to think about it, but I have to. 2000 calories at one sitting. That's all the calories I should have in an entire day!

Doing that even once a week is going to undermine my weight loss efforts.

I just got back into exercising about 5 weeks ago; before that I had almost no extra physical activity for about 9 months. Ugh!

At that rate, I could blow a whole week's worth of minimal exercise in a single meal out, and that's the pattern I've fallen into.

Something's gotta give, so I decided to try something new. It's not a new idea. It's not even something I didn't know about before.

My How Things Change!!

Sooo...

I realized that I haven't posted in forever and a day. I had no idea when was the last time I had written anything at all. I just knew it had been an extremely long time.

Nine months ago. Wow! Okay...

I'm still going through lots and lots of changes associated with the adjustments that came with moving and marriage.

I say again: I love my husband and I'm so glad we're together. I really have found the kind of love that I have been looking for my entire adult life. Our relationship is very good. I'm satisfied and happy, but it has nonetheless been challenging.

The changes associated with my marriage have been murder on my professional life, and not at all because of my husband. He has always been completely supportive of my entrepreneurial leanings. Really and truly I have failed to be more productive because of a combination of factors, some beyond my control and some that fall squarely on my own shoulders.

I was running a business that was very local and very dependent on relationships and referrals and word-of-mouth. It is the kind of business that you can pick up and take with you, but you really do have to start over from scratch - networking and meeting people face-to-face, cold-calling, etc.

I was on fire to do these things when I started my business in Greenville. I was under 30 and newly out of a failed relationship and I had just left a dead-end job that I hated and I really threw myself into it. I was extremely motivated and felt like I had something to prove. I also felt like I had to make up for time lost while I was with a man who didn't support my goals.

Well, 2008 was a tough year to start a real-estate centered business venture. I survived, but it took a lot of work and by 2010 when I started dating my now-husband, I was already burned out and losing the love for my business simply because of the extraordinary amounts of time and energy required to keep it afloat. But I still felt incredibly optimistic, like I was just one big break or one small advantage away from the success and recognition that I know I am capable of. I was going to turn that all-important corner.

However, I'll admit that dating was a huge distraction. Largely because we were conducting a long-distance relationship. Thousands and thousands of miles and several time zones long-distance, not just-across-the-state-line or just-down-the-interstate long-distance like I had done in the past.

This meant lots of lost sleep for me and embarrassing as it is to admit as a 30-something: lots of time lost daydreaming about what it would be like when we could finally be together full-time.

I'll be the first to admit that I did not work my business like I needed to for the final 3 months of our 6 month courtship. Once I knew that he intended to marry me and I intended to say yes (about 3 months in) I really slacked off on my marketing. Not entirely.

I honored all of my contracts and existing obligations. I even attempted to expand and acquire new clients, but mine is a business where aggressive follow-up is essential and I just didn't do it.

I was planning our wedding and trying to lose weight and thinking about where we would live and how we would consolidate and combine our households. As regards the business, there just came a point where my heart wasn't in it.

So when it came time to move, I was in no position mentally, emotionally, or financially to transition my business to the new location.

And, while we were dating, my husband promised me that I wouldn't have to work unless I wanted to.

Of course, I want to. Why wouldn't I? I love what I do! I said.

Well.....

Turns out, I kind of like being a homemaker.

I'm not an idle wife whose days are filled with spa treatments and massages and shopping, but I have spent a large part of the past year setting up our first home, looking for our second apartment (and now scouting our third place, which I'm hoping will be a house for purchase now that I know we intend to stay in the area), merging and managing our finances, coordinating projects with family members, supporting my husband in his career and helping him adjust to the cross-country move, as well as trying to work on various things I never had time for while I was running my business full-time.

Unfortunately, my weight is up again and I'm struggling with that too, so I've devoted quite a bit of time in my weekly schedule to weight-loss efforts.

As independent as I am and always was, I have to say that it is nice to be in a place where I don't have to do it all on my own, where I'm with someone who wants to take care of me and I am perfectly fine with letting him.

I recently read this blog post that I could really identify with.

The Soft Campaign

I love being able to ask him to take out the trash and change the light bulbs and load the luggage into the car and pump the gas and put together the self-assembly furniture. All things I can and did do myself for years and years, but now that I don't have to, Oh-my-goodness! I love it!

And he likes having his laundry done and home-cooked meals, and automatic bill-payment and errands run. It is definitely traditional and what some people would consider old-fashioned, but I don't mind at all. It's a really comfortable place to be for me.

I intend to re-establish my business eventually because I did love the work and the earning potential. I had a lot of good times, but having this time when I can focus on him and us has really been a blessing and a privilege.

Nine and a Half Months

I am nine and a half months into my new marriage and thus my new life and it has seen so many changes, I don't know where to begin writing about it.

To settle a question I know must have come to mind for some of you: No I am not a Mommy.

Lord! If that was one of the changes, I think I would not be able to handle any of the rest.

But... less than 3 months after we got married, my husband got a job in the Research Triangle Park located just outside Raleigh, NC. And we had 2.5 weeks to move and find an apartment.

....Talk about upheaval.

He had already sold everything and moved across the country to be with me. (Aww..., right?) How could I complain about moving 4 hours up the Interstate in support of his career? I couldn't even think of it.

But.... on very short notice I had to leave my 4 BR 2400 sq ft house with office and move into a 2 BR apartment. That was difficult to say the least.

I own a house in SC. He owns a condo on the other coast. Neither of us can sell for what they're worth in this market, thus neither can we buy anything comparable here at the moment.

Having been a homeowner for the last ten years, it has been interesting renting again. Just finding an apartment is challenging, but we did reasonably well. We weren't familiar with the area but still managed to find something nice in a good location convenient to work and shopping.
The neighborhood is a great mix of everyone. Singles and couples of all races, families of all descriptions. And I feel safe. We have wooded streets with sidewalks and streetlights, trails for hiking, biking, running and walking, several parks and lakes nearby. I am very happy.

And after years of homeownership it is the coolest thing to call maintenance when something breaks. We just had to have the dishwasher and the a/c replaced and all I had to do was call the leasing office and both were fixed within 24 hours. It was so nice not to have to schedule it all or go into my own pocket for repairs.

Ahh! Part of me wants to never go back.

I've been learning my way around the new city, but I am admittedly homesick for my old one and moreso for my old friends.

Of course there is more. (There is always more.) But I haven't any more time today.

My 4th lock anniversary came and went in March without incident. My SLs are still strong and healthy and beautiful.

Awww....

Well, UnderCovers got the ax.


There is lots of speculation about why. Of course it has and will come up time and again that a minority couple can't carry a Primetime series that isn't a comedy.

But I liked this article and the breakdown that was given.

Unfortunately, this may have set us back. Who knows how long it will be before a network or producer takes a chance on headlining with an AA couple again?

Ah well...

From the archives....

Like I said, I was reading through my draft box and found some posts that are interesting to me now in light of the changes my life has seen in the last 3 years.

Take this one for example:

7.27.07

So it seems that some of us who are single post almost as much and as often about our single status and our feelings about it as we do about our hair. I have been following the 'Where is my king?' series by locsuluv* and it has inspired me to leave several comments on her blog which turned in to posts of my own, inculding this one.

*(It appears that locsuluv has taken down her blog. I couldn't find her blog or profile to link back to the posts I'm referring to. I don't know what happened to her. If anyone knows, I would appreciate an update. A private note by e-mail would be fine.)

I could identify with several issues she addressed. When I was younger, I didn't stress much about being married or not being married because I assumed it would happen one day, and I assumed that one day would preferably/probably come before my 25th birthday.

It wasn't a goal or a deadline or even a full-fledged expectation, but rather something I just simply thought would come together for me without much effort. I really thought it would just happen.

How hard is it to find someone you love who loves you back with the same devotion and to the same degree?

(Ah the naïveté of youth, right?)

I would be living my life, pursuing my goals and I would meet him, and I would know it was him.

Well, that's not how it happened for me, and I did begin to second guess myself and wonder what I had done wrong.

It is definitely a challenge to be self-sufficient in the way we need to be to take care of ourselves in this world and yet remain open to the possibility of marriage; to be seen as vulnerable enough that a man wants to take care of you without seeming desperate enough that he runs away.

But you also have to be confident enough that you like who you are and competent enough that you are seen as an asset and not a liability in and to his life.

It is a very difficult balance to strike. I am still trying to figure it out. *

*Here I have to say that my husband made this really easy for me simply by being the type of person that he is. He's never made me feel like I have to be more or less than the person that I naturally am. I don't have to pretend to be more or less intelligent, more or less domestic, more or less vulnerable or strong.

He really does love and accept and appreciate me exactly as I am.

I can just be myself and it is enough for him. I can't express how comfortable and safe that makes me feel at the end of every day. Heck! At the beginning. Shoot! All day long....

Can you say: all the happiness I can stand....?

I'm not happy for all of the hurt and disappointment and hard-knock lessons I learned on the way to where I am now. It would have been nice to have found the kind of love I have now 5 years ago or 10. But I do most definitely have greater appreciation for it now than I would have had then.

I know I will work hard to protect this love and nurture it and see that it grows and matures. And I know that I will never take my husband and the love he has for me for granted.

Anyway, back to the original post....

Long ago, before I hit my 25th b-day, I decided I would just live my life the way I always wanted. I would pursue my goals and I would travel and I would focus on being a whole and complete person - by myself, alone, and if I met someone fine and if I didn't fine.

But then I did meet someone. Two someones, in fact. The first one tried to make me change for him and I rebelled against it; but then the second one made me want to change, and so I did.

Long story short (well, it's kind of too late for that...but anyway). I had two back-to-back relationships that took up all of my time and emotional energy between the ages of 24 and 29 and neither of them resulted in marriage.

So, here I am on the eve of my 30th birthday and I am more determined than ever to do what I need to do for me, and to refocus on my goals which include my service and worship.

In fact, I do believe it is necessary and essential for me to put my relationship with God back at the center of my life if I expect to find happiness single or married.

9.27.07

Wow... I remember writing that like it was last week. I was about two months out of a third relationship that I don't even make reference to and barely speak about to this day because it was just crazy. Not crazy-bad like there was non-stop drama.

Crazy like it seemed really, really good up until the day it wasn't and then it just unraveled in about 3 days. It was really strange. Never experienced anything like it before or since and it definitely left me gunshy in subsequent relationships.

After it ended, I was more concerned about my own perception and judgment than of the mindset that men are inherently deceptive and untrustworthy. It was like: wow! How did I misjudge to that degree?

Because the man seemed to be all about me for months and then he was just someone else one day.

He really did say things like: I love you. You're beautiful. I want to marry you.

Constantly. I didn't make that up.

But I don't know. It was still incredibly superficial in hindsight. I keep a journal. And it's funny. Now, with the distance and objectivity of 3 years' time I read and saw all kinds of signs that he was a flake from the get-go.

Especially in comparison to the man who is now my husband, but at the time I was just like: how did this happen? What should I have done differently? Why did he change overnight?

He didn't. He was always one foot out the door. But the foot that was in was all-in. That's what was so mind-bending at the time. He said all the right things, but many of his actions (and lack of actions) were in direct conflict with his words.

And we all know that adage about actions and words...

It was really scary for me while I was dating my now-husband because he said many of the same types of things on roughly the same timeline as Bachelor #3 and I spent the first three months just entirely scared that he was going to flake out on me too or that I was misreading the situation and missing signs that his devotion was shallow.

I was so scared all the time and I told him so on a regular basis.

The difference? Constant verbal reassurances and actions to back them up. .

And I didn't have to ask him for reassurances or ask him to follow-through. He simply did and never seemed annoyed about how often I needed encouragement.

...I'm saying it again. He's awesome!

I feel like some of y'all are just going to stop reading my blog.

I feel like there must be eye-rolling and declarations of: if she says one more thing about how wonderful her man is, I'm quitting this blog.

I know. I know! Y'all didn't come here for this. I need to post something abot my hair, right?

And I really need to take some pictures...

Too Busy to Style

I was reading this post by Sunshine Sisterlocks and saw a comment I can readily identify with: too busy to style, but thankfully I don't have to!

That has been the story of my life since I started my SLs. I think about the hours I spent straightening my hair or twisting it or getting some form of extensions. And I'm just like: where would I find the time anymore?

I literally never style my hair. I don't curl it or twist it or braid it out. I wash and go all the time.

My style options consist of down, down with a headband or scarf, and up in a bun or ponytail.

I have enough length that I could actually do some pretty fabulous stuff. And occasionally I feel like I should, but somehow I never get around to it.

For months I've been saying I should curl it because it is at sort of a weird layered just-past-my-shoulders length where it should be longer or shorter and now it just sort of hangs.

But I haven't done it yet and I have an itching feeling that by the time I get truly motivated it will probably have grown past this stage.

One of the most wonderful things about Sisterlocks is the freedom to freestyle. I never have to think about what to do with my hair. I don't have to plan around the weather or exercise or money. I retighten myself, so my roots are always neat.

I don't have to worry about humidity or rain or sweat or water. I can go swimming. I can get caught in a downpour. I can let my hair get soaking wet in the shower or bath. I can wash it in the morning before work or worship and let it air dry on the way.

And it looks the same. So liberating...

I wish all black women could experience this freedom at least once in their lives.

As much as I look at loose hair sometimes and wish I could alternate between locks and a fabulous fro or silky smooth straight hair, every time I think of the time freedom I've gained by wearing my hair locked, I just know I'm not going back any time soon.

I will never say never, but most definitely not in the foreseeable future.

How I Fell Off

If it's been a while since you've stopped by, no doubt you've noticed the design changes as well as all of my recent news. As I was editing and making these changes I reviewed some of my older posts.

I couldn't help but notice how I fell off by half every year since I started. 88 posts in 2007. Granted: I was unemployed and working part-time for a good part of that year, but I also had way more enthusiasm for the novelty of blogging.

Many of my contemporaries who started blogs around the same time don't post at all anymore and I miss them. I suspect that with the current economy lots more people are working longer hours to make ends meet or just generally caught up in the day-to-day.

Also, several have gotten married and started families or added to the families they already had. Blogging becomes as less essential activity and takes an understandable back seat.

36 posts for me in 2008. I actually wrote many more that year; in fact, they are all still sitting in draft limbo. But I purchased my franchise in late 2007 and launched in early 2008. I spent the better part of that year getting my business off the ground. And then, well, the economy tanked in the final quarter. How time-consuming was all of that?

18 posts in 2009. Exactly half. I spent the better part of 2009 trying to keep my head above water as a result of the events of 2008. It was one of the most challenging years of my life for so many reasons.

9 posts in 2010 so far. Half again, although the year is not over and if I keep up the current pace, I will probably match last year's number.

But about my circumstances: In terms of earnings relative to workload - worst year ever in life! I'm just going to go ahead and say it. Shamelessly. Because I know I am not alone. In terms of peace, love and happiness.... best year ever! Because I fell in love with and married my husband who adores me.

2010 will always be a banner year. Pivotal.

I had to give up the franchise and figure out a different career path.... Still working out the details of all that, but I know I will always look back on this year as one where my life began to change for the better and in ways I could not have foreseen at the beginning. And I will continue to be grateful for and happy about all of the good things that have happened to me this year.

About Me

Someone brought it to my attention over a month ago that I needed to change my About Me info since I am no longer single.


I agreed. It had occurred to me, I just wasn't sure what to say instead. I wanted to pay homage to my original sentiments while accurately reflecting the changes that have occurred in my life since I started the blog 3.5 years ago.

As is the case with many of us locked bloggers, my blog has evolved to be less about my hair and more about my random thoughts and observations, but I hope those who stop by continue to enjoy my musings.

Here's what I came up with ~

The new:

I started this blog as a single girl just trying to make her way in the world. I am now a newlywed trying to navigate my way through this new business of being married. I love my husband dearly; he is very many of the things I always knew I wanted but feared I might never find...


I am still living life, finding fulfillment, and making memories every day...

It is my honest intention to continue detailing my journeys in the hopes that my stories will help others as those who came before have helped and encouraged me. Enjoy!


The old:


I am a single girl just trying to make her way in the world. I am looking for love, but I am not waiting for 'the one' to make my dreams come true.


I am living life, finding fulfillment, and making memories every day...

When I have a question, it has probably already been answered elsewhere. And when I offer opinion, it has probably been said before - but not in my words, or with my voice...

So, I intend to detail my journeys in the hopes that my stories will help others as those who came before have helped and encouraged me. Enjoy!

Crazy Stuff

So... the hubby and I have decided to lease his condo and live elsewhere.

We're doing the usual things. We printed flyers. We posted online.

But we also decided to be a little more proactive and browse the Craigslist 'housing wanted' section for potential tenants. Well... I found this title and had to read!

Sex offenders not all the same

I kid you not!

He goes on to elaborate about why he should be given a chance:

Just because I am a sex offender does not mean I am not normal, can not pay my bills, or am a danger to others. I grew up in incest and continued the cycle. I have since grown up and learned the error of my ways.

Just because I was conditioned to resort to sex to handle my stress and abuse as a child does not mean that I will repeat those same mistakes. For one, I have learned the punishment for engaging in sex crimes and never wish to go back there.

I will pay my rent on time, cause no problems, keep to myself, and will be thankful for being given a chance.

I just want a place to live. I can afford up to $600 a month. I want running water but will consider a cabin if that is my only choice. I would like to stay in the valley, but will consider going to A-. Serious replies only please. Hatemongers and sadists please do not reply.

I guess in a way, he does have a point. Sex offenders need a place to live too, but I couldn't rent to one in my neighborhood in good conscience. It's just one of those things...

UnderCovers

I really, really want this show to make it.

The early buzz is good. From the trailers it looks very Mr. and Mrs. Smith - which is one of my all-time favorite movies. Whatever you want to say about them in real life, I loved the on-screen chemistry between Brad and Angie.

I love this concept even more - for several reasons. First of all, J.J. Abrams is attached to the project. Need I say more?

Number 2: Boris Kodjoe. Again, no explanation necessary.

But the third thing I love is that J.J. and NBC decided that maybe it's time an African-American married couple can carry a prime-time series that isn't a sitcom. I hope that the show doesn't get lost in the sea of September premieres. And if it is a little slow building and finding an audience, I hope the network gives it time.

I'm going to watch.

I want to see a good-looking, well-dressed, smart and fashionable (not wise-cracking and struggling) AA married couple on TV. Every week.

For clips, interviews and trailers, click here.

Go Girls!

Even though I am no longer single and getting deeper into my thirties with each passing day, I still enjoyed reading this about my slightly younger counterparts.

Single, childless women in their twenties are outearning males in the biggest urban areas.

According to Census stats from 2008, women aged 22 - 30 who are without husband or children earn 8% more than men in the same age group in the top 366 metro areas. Women outearn men in 39 of the 50 biggest cities and match their wages in another 8. Women earn 21% more in Atlanta.

Apparently this is due to the fact that more and more women are going to college after high school. Three-quarters of us, as compared to two-thirds of men. We are also earning more advanced degrees allowing us to command higher salaries.

Check this out: "The trend is especially apparent in cities where minority groups make up more than half the population. Among blacks and Hispanics, women are more than twice as likely as men to earn college degrees."

Now, that can definitely be taken two ways. What social ills are holding our men back? That's another entry I'm not inclined to write, but it's positive to note that minority women are getting it done.

For the complete USA Today article click here.

Natural Hair Fad

The LWC strikes again:

I found this post and comments on Naturally Sophia's Blog very interesting.

I've been natural for almost 20 years now, since the age of 15. I relapsed into relaxing twice.

Once around the age of 19, I experimented with texturizers in an attempt to bring uniformity to my curl pattern, not realizing then that my hair was just going to do what it was going to do.

It grows how it grows and chemicals won't change that. Not in a way that I like.

And again about 2 years later, I had a job that was very important to me at the time (actually, a volunteer assignment, a cause) where my immediate superiors decided that my look did not properly represent the cause.

With tears and trauma, I relaxed my hair to straight. I hated it SO much. It wasn't worth the price. I quit the cause. I cut my hair. I started over fresh and never looked back.

It was terrible at the time, but I am glad I had the experience, because there were times when I was struggling with this Deep South humidity and I thought that a relaxer might be the way to go, but only Fleetingly.

Because then I would remember how awful that final relaxer experience was. How it sucked the life and vibrance from my hair. How I felt so oppressed.

Most men and people of other races - and truly a lot of black women - don't understand what a connection to naturalness you develop.

It becomes a part of your identity. Like your skin color or eye color. When you look in the mirror and see something else, you feel like someone else. I felt like I was bleaching my skin or getting a nose job or some other drastic cosmetic alteration to minimize my ethnicity.

I don’t judge others harshly for choosing to do so, but it really went against my personal grain in a way that I did not realize it would.

Being locked or not is different from being curly or straight for sure.

It is more permanent, but in a way that is good and comforting to me, not in a way that feels limiting or restrictive.

I get angry now when people suggest that I'll get tired of my locks one day and take them out.

And the funny thing is: I know maybe I will cut them and start over with something else SOME day, but not because I am tired of them. Not because I no longer love them. Not because I prefer straight hair or curly hair.

I really don't know what would make me give them up.

I get lots more compliments on my locks now that they are past my shoulders. Enough people seem to realize that if your locks are that long, your straight hair would be 6 - 10 inches longer. And they are fascinated with that.

So I get more comments that say: You should take those out and straighten it. Then it would be REALLY pretty. Or, Don't you want to see how long it REALLY is? Or, Sisterlocks. I've thought about getting those. You can take them out when you want, right?

I am SUPREMELY annoyed.

Each and every time.

I'm not saying that locks or SLs have to be a lifetime commitment for everyone. When I got mine, I didn't know if I would really keep them. I was kind of afraid that I wouldn't like them from the start and might be ready to give them up in the first 6 months. And after the money I invested (while unemployed at the time) I figured at the very least I should keep them for a year to get my money's worth.

But I was in love with them from DAY ONE. So taking them out never seemed like a viable option.

Natural hair was never a fad for me. I do agree that going natural, staying natural, and being natural requires much more of a commitment than 'looking' natural.

But seeing so many more people with a natural look is a very good thing. Natural weaves and wigs are high-maintenance and expensive.

I wore kinky twist extensions for years before I got tired of the fakeness - they were always bulky and the texture was much coarser than my own hair, far inferior to the soft thickness of the natural locks I rock today - and decided to see what my own hair would do. They were a good bridge to where I am now.

If wearing and seeing fake natural hair leads more of us to a place where we are comfortable experimenting with the hair that grows from our heads, then I cannot see that the current fad will be a bad thing. Many fads become trends. I think natural hair is here to stay.

Simply because so many people are getting fed up with the expense and maintenance other styles require. Not that natural hair is cheap or easy to maintain, but I'd rather spend time and money to be proud of my heritage and make the most of who I am than to try to cover that up and look like someone else.

And I believe more and more of us are coming to that realization with each passing day.

So...

I did it. I took the plunge!

Two weeks ago I got married. On a Monday. In blue jeans. Just the two of us.

I have not posted at all in the last three months because there has been a fair amount of chaos in my personal life.

Stuff. Just stuff.

Work. Family. Finances.

I've really just been trying to sort it all out and keep my head above water.

My aforementioned relationship continued to progress well. We had a few of the usual-type snags along the way. (I would have been highly suspicious if we had not. A sign that one or both of us was lying, delusional, or apathetic.)

As early as April we started to talk about getting married in late August. I picked a dress and researched venues for the reception, caterers, photographers, invitations and all manner of other wedding-related incidentals.

Studied up on and compared prices and deposit policies; juggled dates even had one place pencil me in for a preferred date of 8/21 and put me down for first right of refusal until I could secure it with a deposit.

But like I said, life continued to happen with no sympathy or regard for the fact that I was trying to plan my wedding. I hit obstacle after obstacle and by the last week in June when all of the decisions had to be made and most of the verbal commitments had to be finalized with cold, hard cash, I found I was not ready.

Still ready and willing and eager to say, "I do," to the man who would become my husband, but not ready at all to commit to all the rest - the menu and the colors and the date.

Every time we talked about any of it there was anxiety and hesitation in my voice.

I know my SO began to read it as lack of commitment and doubt about us. As much as I protested and tried to reassure him and convince him that things were otherwise, I could tell he had his doubts.

It was never a serious strain, but I could tell that over time it would become so.

By the first week in July we had a discussion where we decided that an August wedding was definitely out, and I began to lobby for October, but even at that I was having problems nailing it down and committing to a date, and, truthfully in terms of planning and follow-through I was much more comfortable with dates as far out as Spring 2011.

But there were problems with that. Lots.

Our religious beliefs dictate that we would not live together unmarried. And there was so much we talked about doing in the next 6 - 9 months when we first decided we would marry in August. Not being married and in the same household would definitely complicate most and outright cancel some of those plans.

Because we are both in our early 30's we each have very separate and distinct individual lives. I think this is a good thing, but, like I said before, though we felt ready for a blending, it was/is still going to be somewhat problematic. However, we were/are eager to start that process.

We reached a point in the development of our relationship where living together under the same roof and making joint decisions is the next logical step. It felt like putting that on hold until Spring would do more harm than good.

We had discussion after discussion about what to do next.

I really didn't want to do a cheap, slapped-together, last-minute wedding. I only intend to marry once and I was quite set on having an elegant affair or an elopement. I apologized repeatedly to my fiance for being so all or nothing and with no real in-between.

I felt bad.

He was very, very understanding.

I wanted to wait until everything was perfect. Until I was a size 4 again. Until my work schedule stabilizes. Until I get a bunch of bills paid and we still had money left to throw a fabulous reception for not less than 100 people. Until my best friends were not traveling internationally... The list was long...

For all of our discussions on what to do, how to do it, and when, it always came back to one thing for him.

He always said: I just want to marry you and start our lives together.

Aww...., right?

So a couple of Saturdays ago after another intense discussion (honestly, it wasn't an argument), he said: Marry me.

To which I said: You asked me that already. I said, 'Yes', I'm wearing the ring you gave me.

To which he said: No, I mean Monday, the day after tomorrow.

Oh? Really? Do you mean that?

I do.

So we didn't talk about it for all of Sunday even though I know it was on his mind and we spent the day together. We both slept on it and on Monday morning it was kind of like: Do you want to?/I don't know - do you want to?

Both of us had slept on it and prayed on it and we really, really talked about it Monday morning. We asked all the important questions and offered all of the relevant reassurances to each other all over again.

And later that afternoon we made it official.

It was a huge weight off my shoulders. I am so relieved. I can focus on us again and not worry about all of the wedding-related details.

I still want to throw a fabulous party for friends and family, but the clock is no longer ticking on it. We don't have to wait for all of the details to come together just so. We have already begun joining our lives.

It is still challenging and parts will not be easy. We are still having our individual struggles, but we can also rely on each other just a little bit more than we could before. We can each be more certain that the other is really in it for the long haul.

And that feels really good.

Plus: We have a super-cool anniversary date: 08.09.10.

I love that!

But not as much as I love my new husband.

Still in Love...

With my man, and my Sisterlocks...

I know! I need to post pics. Y'all forgot what I look like, right?

I misplaced my camera about 4 months ago and have yet to find it and I refuse to buy a new one. I'm really upset about it because I wanted to post about my weight loss and my locking progress with pictures!

But the important thing is the changes, not so much the pictorial record of how it all came to pass - to me anyway. Y'all know pictures are not important to me, so I've been slack on that part of this whole blogging project from the get-go, so none of you are really surprised.

I am actually a little frustrated with myself this time though, because I have experienced such positive changes, I want everyone to know!

Ah well, I'll get around to it. I have been a little disctracted...

As I mentioned, I am in love. Really, truly in love with a very wonderful man. I absolutely adore him. He is everything I ever wanted.


Really. And I have been hesitant to say so because I have not wanted to come on here and gush about him...

Not just yet.

He knows I journal and have done so since I was a teenager and I told him I have a blog.

I asked him not to read it, but this is the Internet. There is nothing secret about it. I knew he could find it if he looked. I asked him not to and so he didn't. And I appreciated that very much.

There's actually nothing on here that I haven't told him about (that he'd be interested in). I'm pretty sure he doesn't care about what shampoo I decided to start using a year and a half ago, so, yeah, I've left out some of the irrelevant details.

But he knows all of my opinions, everything about my career and past relationships, goals, the terrible stuggles with my weight and how and why it came to pass as well as what I decided to do about it and how recent all of that was.

I was not at my top weight when our relationship started and we both know he would not have been physically attracted to me if I had been. I do not fault him for that. I was ready to crawl into a hole when I was 15 lbs overweight. So when I was almost 200 lbs, I was ready to die! I had genuine feelings of self-loathing at the time.

I know, intellectually in the grand scheme of life and death it was not that serious that I should have fixated on it to that degree and I'm sure that kind of negative thinking made it harder for me to make positive changes. It was not the best time in my life - physically or emotionally.*

But like I said in my previous post: I started making changes for self-improvement in every area of my life before I met him. And I got back on track to becoming the person I know I am supposed to be and living the life I am supposed to live.

And he saw that. He responded to that.

I love that he sees the best in me. I need that. I am very hard on myself. I have high expectations, all the time, sometimes to a discouraging degree. He helps me remember that I am very special just the way I am and I love him for it.

*We've talked about it. We've talked about it all...

He knows that's not who I am now, nor is it who I was for most of my life, nor do I ever intend to find myself there again. And he is enough into fitness and overall good health that I have no fears that it will not be easy to continue with the good habits I always had before and have recently re-established.

I do not foresee that the weight issues will ever be a problem again...

But back to the point about him reading my blog: he respected my request not to read it. He apparently did not even look for it as a result of my request.

I have nothing to hide, but it is one of those things....Some of what I've talked about (like my weight loss struggles) has been much easier to share with strangers than people I know intimately. And the rest would just not be that interesting to him.

He loves me, but I doubt he cares that my hair grew an inch last month and I started 8 new locks. I don't care as much about the details as when I started! I know I have comical stories and experiences intertwined, but I just never figured he'd feel like wading through it all.

And, well, even though I've told him how I feel, I just wasn't ready for him to read the posts where I talk about him. You've read them. They are not unflattering in the least. He even knows the details about how I was feeling about life and love just before we became an item.

We've really talked about it all, but something about seeing things in writing.... I don't know... I just wasn't ready for him to see it all yet, but I had in mind to share it with him soon. Very soon. Within the next month or so.

So he could choose for himself to read or not read. Any or all of it that is out there for the world to see. Why not him as well?

I don't have a readership of millions... never will, my little life is not that interesting. But amazingly enough, over the last 3 years, I have attracted a readership of thousands.

Is there anyone who reads it religiously? No. I don't post often enough to have a true following, but I track who reads and how often and I am available to people who want to contact me.

Readers often e-mail me with questions and comments. Some even call, and I've met quite a few up close and in-person.

It's been a fun experience.



But back to my guy: I have told him everything about myself that might be remotely relevant to our present and future. I have told him things that no one else knows. Not my best friends, not other exes, not family.


Why? Because I knew early, early on that I wanted to marry this man and I wanted there to be no secrets between us.


He did the same.

Did he tell his family and friends the details?* Did I?

*None of which were especially sordid, I might add. I have managed to live a fairly decent life - no skeletons.

He did not tell my secrets. I did not tell his. They are my secrets. And his secrets.


There is nothing I believe he will ever tell me about himself or his past that can ever make me love him less than I do right now. And I know he feels the same. Some things aren't as I would have wished them to be. For both of us.

But we are in our thirties.... Who has made it to this age and not made mistakes of some type?

People who haven't lived....

Am I intensely proud of every single thing I've done from birth until now? Um... that would be a, 'No.'

It's like my girl Jill Scott sang famously:

Your background it ain't squeaky clean
Sometimes we all got to swim upstream
You ain't no saint, we all are sinners
But you put your good foot down and make your soul a winner

I respect that, man you're so phat
And you're all that
Plus supreme
Then you're humble
Man I'm numb Yo
With feeling
I can feel everything that you bring

Let's take a long walk
Around the park after dark
Find a spot for us to spark
Conversation, verbal elation, stimulation
Share our situations, temptations, education, relaxations....

Y'all know I love me some Jill...

But not as much as I love my man. He really is all that and then some.

Anyway...

If there's one thing I do have low tolerance for, it's people who are judgmental and unforgiving. People who pretend that they've never mispoken or stretched or bent the truth or plotted revenge (I said plotted, not carried out...:-), or done something/anything untoward at some point in their lives are low on my list of favorites.

You just know it isn't true. I'm all for righteousness. I try to do the right thing at all times. I really do. Self-righteousness, however, sucks!

Everybody does or says or thinks something they shouldn't at some point. It's just a matter of frequency, motive and degree. Everyone has lied at some point in life. Everyone has taken advantage of someone else at some point. Everyone has hurt someone that they cared about.

And try as any of us might, most of us are going to do it all again at some other point between tomorrow and the day we die. That's life. That's being human.

...So I'm not looking for perfection. Never was. Neither is he.


And yet. And still. I feel like he is so very perfect for me.


I know... if that doesn't sound ultra-sappy, what does? But I refuse to apologize for it now. Or ever. I want it always to be true. And I honestly think it will be.


I am not so unrealistic in my expectations as to believe we will never disagree or disappoint each other, but you know all the stuff I've said in the past about seeing one's flaws and faults and loving and forgiving them anyway? All the things I've said about how I love...?


He loves the same way.


Really. Actually. Demonstratively. Consistently.

Who hasn't had bad things happen to them? Who hasn't been hurt or lied to or betrayed? No one.


And without putting his business in the streets... he has had to deal with a lot of crap over the years from people who should have cared for him and looked out for him. People who were supposed to love him and have his best interests at heart.

I have too. It's something we have in common.

And yet, he is amazingly resilient and open and loving. Like I cannot believe sometimes.

He amazes me. Every day. Really and truly.

He knows. I've told him. I love him so much!

I save most of my declarations of adoration for my journal entries so that my friends and family won't tire of listening to me singing his praises. Just yesterday I was musing on how different he is. From everyone who came before.

And how I want to spend my life with him because he is just that uniquely amazing.

I do know that if and when he asks me to, I will most certainly say, 'Yes', without any doubts or reservations.

Sigh....

Ok, OK!

Really, I've got to find my camera so I can take pictures and post about my hair again!

Because the same way I know he doesn't care about Sergei and Svetlana... I know that most of you did not come here for this...so I will try my best to make my next post about my hair! It's been a very long while since I've updated everyone.

Toodles!

Law of Attraction

I did decide to do better and be better all on my very own before I met him. I began taking steps to correct the things that weren't working in my life.

I am steadily losing weight through healthier eating habits and exercise. I am getting organized again. I restructured my business for better work-life balance.

And now, knowing him, loving him is just added motivation to continue cultivating seeds I'd already planted.

I feel so far removed even now from the person I was in December. I experienced a monumental spiritual and emotional growth spurt. A true paradigm shift. I look back now and I still can't believe it. How far I have come in such a short while. But I am happy for it.

Happy that I was ready for him to come into my life.

I do very much feel that we will continue to grow together. He wants all the same things that I do, with the same intensity, to the same degree.

I've never experienced this and neither has he. And both of us have so much appreciation.

Guess Who!

Guess who is in love!

That's right. I am. I am.

I guess sometimes things do fall out of the sky. Feels like that anyway.

I was commiserating with a married friend about my particular set of needs, wants and desires and how I know that I am a singular individual. I am not what every man wants and it's not a self-esteem issue, believe me.

In spite of some of the things I said in the previous post and my ongoing struggles with my weight, I like the person that I am. I stand by the choices that I've made, but there are things that I want and don't want in a life partner and it's a unique combination. For example: I want someone with strong family values, but I don't want to have children of my own. I want someone with strong religious convictions who is also liberal and tolerant of the beliefs of others.

I want someone who celebrates and supports my independent nature who will also understand my vulnerability and therefore not belittle me for needing him desperately even though most of the time I will pretend that I don't. I want him to never call me out on this. (That one alone is a tall order and I know it!)

I know that I am a study in contradictions and I live with daily ambivalence about most things. I am extremely quirky and hard-to-read. On and on my list goes like so.

So...

I am a flavor that is not for everyone, and indeed not for most.

And so...

As you all read, I was pretty well resigned to being alone for the next long while.

It was to be a time for sorting things out within myself.

Little did I know what was in store for me. And whether it came from God or The Universe, I still can't say. I only know that he is here with me now.

I was telling my friend what I wanted and how I know it is unlikely that I will find him.

It has been a recurring theme, but this time a solution presented itself.

He's a professional, self-employed, like me. Not divorced, no baby mama drama. And not a jerk or a playboy. Not emotionally stunted or socially inept. Just a really sweet guy with all of the very same values looking for love. And marriage.

None of that let's-keep-this-open-and-see-where-it-goes crap I bought into in my 20's. I was all for it then. It wasn't forced on me and merely tolerated. I was admittedly something of a commitment-phobe myself. I'll be the first to say it.

However this is different. Because we both knew from the start that we each wanted a real, grown-up relationship, we didn't play any games at all. We had the hard conversations first - about children and exes and debt and emotional baggage. If we'd run into a dealbreaker, it would have been easier to break it off then, but we didn't and, simultaneously, we also had the fun conversations about where our lives are headed and what's important to us - favorite movies and books!

Yes! Books! He reads! That's huge in my world! He is well-read and honestly he is the smartest man I have ever dated. I think he may just be a genius.

If I do say so myself, I have a very large vocabulary and he uses words that I don't know.* (Well, not really... there was just the one word, the one time, but still - that never happens!)

*And not in that condescending I'm-just-going-to-use-random-big-words-to-make-myself-seem-smart way that annoys me. It really is just the way that he thinks.

He teaches me things, so I find it easy to look up to him and follow him and yet he always makes me feel as if he needs me too and just as much as I need him, if not more.

It's wonderful. He's wonderful! And he thinks I'm wonderful too! And beautiful and gorgeous and smart and amazing!

And he tells me so.

All the time.

He fell in love with me rather instantly and never felt the need to pretend like he didn't. That in and of itself put him in a class by himself.

It has not been very long in the grand scheme and we are not engaged, but he has repeatedly told me that I am The One for him. We have not yet met each other's families (only because of scheduling and logistics), but he knows that I will fit in perfectly with his family and he assured me that they will love me as much as he does and I believe him.

I feel the same way about him.

It has been a true whirlwind romance - thrilling, exciting, and scary all at once, but I wouldn't trade it.

In the interest of good judgment, we are letting things progress a little more slowly from here because we do both believe that marriage should not be entered into lightly because it should also be for life. Neither one of us wants to do this more than once. And much as we do want a common future, we have our very separate lives that will not easily be blended into one.

But I am so happy we've gotten to know each other.

Even though I felt like I was not ready for love and I still feel like there is much room for self-improvement, I know that I can be a better person with him, for him and because of him.

Sigh....

There are still many more things we must learn - questions to be asked and answered - and some things that can only be observed and proven with the passage of time, but I just had to share!

More to come...

Why Am I Still Single?

Thankfully, I harbor no delusions about why I am not currently in a relationship.

I do not believe that my one and only soulmate is out there and I can't find him or he can't find me. I do not believe that God has not yet allowed him to cross my path.

I am not frontin' and tellin' myself and others how wonderful I am and how disappointed I am that no one is able to recognize the fabulousness that is me.

I know that nothing falls out of the sky....

I am not telling myself it is because all of the good ones are taken or gay. They are not in jail, too poor, uneducated or intimidated by my success and/or intelligence.

It is not because I am too busy, nor is it because I am fat.

Fat people fall in love every day.

Fat people get married every day.

Crazy people do. Busy people do. Ugly people do. Broke people do. I could go on.

People in every class of unattractiveness and dysfunction (physical, emotional, spiritual, and financial) find love and commitment and some level of happiness (however fleeting) in relationships - all the time.

People with low expectations do. People with high expectations do. People with no expectations do...

I know that nothing falls out of the sky....

So whether or not I am worthy or feel worthy or feel pretty and attractive isn't really at the heart of it. It is not about my work-life balance or lack thereof. Or my financial stability or lack thereof. Or the current state of my spirituality, etc...

All are factors in how I feel about starting and maintaining a relationship, but none of these things is what is really holding me back.

Am I ready for love? Am I ready for marriage?

I look inside myself and I know that I am not. In so many ways. And because I know that I am not ready, I am not even trying. In any sense of the word.

I know that nothing falls out of the sky....

I refuse to make excuses. I readily admit that I am not trying to look beautiful. I am not trying to prove that I am nurturing or supportive. I am not trying to project the right amounts of confidence and vulnerability. I am not even trying to go places where I will meet good men. I am not trying to make myself available to the good men I already know.

I do believe in the principle of the law of attraction.



Anybody remember the india.arie song "Butterfly"?

If you want a butterfly/You've got to be a butterfly

Truer words were never spoken.

If you put turnips in the ground/You won't get harvest grapes

You are what you attract/And this is nature's way

It's not that I don't like who I am now. I do really truly love myself and where my life is headed. But I am not there yet. And even though I am not sure what 'there' is; I do know that I will recognize when I am more assuredly on the path to the success that I am meant to have and the life that I am meant to live...

I am not a complete mess. I am not overly needy, an emotional wreck, carrying all kinds of baggage and/or to' up from da flo' up, but I am just not there yet.

I know that I am not who I want to be. I understand and wholeheartedly believe that I will always be a work in progress, so I am not waiting for perfection or some unreasonably lofty goals and aspirations to be met.

I just know and believe that who I would attract now (although that man might be fine for the moment) is not going to be the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

And why bother getting myself so entangled? Better...easier...all around more productive to focus on being the person I want to become.

I've got to let myself grow...

And I am okay with being alone in the interim.

I thought a lot about this when I reread my letter to an old boyfriend before posting it.

I have alluded to things that I learned as a result of our relationship and things that went wrong within it before. But rereading the post reminded me how often I reflect on him and us and our relationship and how often I am glad that our marriage did not come to pass.

Our relationship and my happiness was very 'of the moment.' The entire time I was with him, I knew - knew - that the things I liked about us and being with him were not in line with the goals I had for the rest of my life.

For some reason I had it in my mind and on my heart that I had to be married before I was thirty or else I never would be. And even though I wasn't really ready and didn't particularly want to marry him, I knew that I did not want to be single for the rest of my life or throughout my thirties and somehow I managed to convince myself that he was my last, best chance.

How silly was that?

Angry as I was with him at the time, I realize now what a favor he did me.

He also did me a great disservice by asking me to marry him when he really didn't mean it, but ultimately he made up for it when he was honest enough to say that he did not love me enough to make it forever.

I would still have more respect for him today if he had said it sooner and without prompting from me.

But the bottom line is this: we are both free to find real love because we did not marry each other. And I am so grateful for that fact I cannot hold a grudge.

Letter to an Old Boyfriend

You know who you are:

First, let me say before everything that I am never sorry that we are not together. Going our separate ways was the very best thing.

I am only ever upset that I did not leave you sooner. (That's not actually the only thing that upsets me when I think about it, but it's always the main thing.)

You were so not good for me.

I am not better for having been with you. I am not better for having loved you.

Only wiser and more experienced in what not to do. What signs to look for the next time around. What pitfalls to avoid.

Deciding to leave you was hard. I don't know how you tell it, if you tell it; whether you say I broke up with you, you broke up with me or it was mutual.

It's hard to say, really.

Our relationship started to unravel and disintegrate because you stopped participating, showing up, being involved. You checked out. You went emotionally AWOL.

But it ended because I called you on it, and you were unwilling and unable to change. (Yes, I am convinced it was both.)

I want you to know that when I think of it now, I am never ever sorry it ended. (Not sorry it started either, because we did have some really good times.) Just sorry I didn't walk away sooner and with more of my self-confidence intact.

I never loved you in a way that was blind to your faults. I saw them all and I loved you anyway. I loved you anyway because I believed that you could be a better man and I loved you anyway because to me you were good enough, perfectly fine, and just simply wonderful exactly as you were.

I look back now and I see that you weren't so special - that's just the way I love.

I think it's the only way you can love a person for life: to see their faults and love them any way. It's the only way you can keep trying, keep forgiving, keep perservering through all disappointments.

You have to forgive a person their shortcomings, overlook their faults as you know they overlook yours...know there are things they are not good at, but have respect for them any way.

There was a time when I believed that's what we had, but the moment I realized that we didn't, it was easy to walk away. Not that it didn't still hurt. Not that I didn't feel rejected, but I can honestly say that I have no regrets.

From the Archives 6.14.08