Still in Love...

With my man, and my Sisterlocks...

I know! I need to post pics. Y'all forgot what I look like, right?

I misplaced my camera about 4 months ago and have yet to find it and I refuse to buy a new one. I'm really upset about it because I wanted to post about my weight loss and my locking progress with pictures!

But the important thing is the changes, not so much the pictorial record of how it all came to pass - to me anyway. Y'all know pictures are not important to me, so I've been slack on that part of this whole blogging project from the get-go, so none of you are really surprised.

I am actually a little frustrated with myself this time though, because I have experienced such positive changes, I want everyone to know!

Ah well, I'll get around to it. I have been a little disctracted...

As I mentioned, I am in love. Really, truly in love with a very wonderful man. I absolutely adore him. He is everything I ever wanted.


Really. And I have been hesitant to say so because I have not wanted to come on here and gush about him...

Not just yet.

He knows I journal and have done so since I was a teenager and I told him I have a blog.

I asked him not to read it, but this is the Internet. There is nothing secret about it. I knew he could find it if he looked. I asked him not to and so he didn't. And I appreciated that very much.

There's actually nothing on here that I haven't told him about (that he'd be interested in). I'm pretty sure he doesn't care about what shampoo I decided to start using a year and a half ago, so, yeah, I've left out some of the irrelevant details.

But he knows all of my opinions, everything about my career and past relationships, goals, the terrible stuggles with my weight and how and why it came to pass as well as what I decided to do about it and how recent all of that was.

I was not at my top weight when our relationship started and we both know he would not have been physically attracted to me if I had been. I do not fault him for that. I was ready to crawl into a hole when I was 15 lbs overweight. So when I was almost 200 lbs, I was ready to die! I had genuine feelings of self-loathing at the time.

I know, intellectually in the grand scheme of life and death it was not that serious that I should have fixated on it to that degree and I'm sure that kind of negative thinking made it harder for me to make positive changes. It was not the best time in my life - physically or emotionally.*

But like I said in my previous post: I started making changes for self-improvement in every area of my life before I met him. And I got back on track to becoming the person I know I am supposed to be and living the life I am supposed to live.

And he saw that. He responded to that.

I love that he sees the best in me. I need that. I am very hard on myself. I have high expectations, all the time, sometimes to a discouraging degree. He helps me remember that I am very special just the way I am and I love him for it.

*We've talked about it. We've talked about it all...

He knows that's not who I am now, nor is it who I was for most of my life, nor do I ever intend to find myself there again. And he is enough into fitness and overall good health that I have no fears that it will not be easy to continue with the good habits I always had before and have recently re-established.

I do not foresee that the weight issues will ever be a problem again...

But back to the point about him reading my blog: he respected my request not to read it. He apparently did not even look for it as a result of my request.

I have nothing to hide, but it is one of those things....Some of what I've talked about (like my weight loss struggles) has been much easier to share with strangers than people I know intimately. And the rest would just not be that interesting to him.

He loves me, but I doubt he cares that my hair grew an inch last month and I started 8 new locks. I don't care as much about the details as when I started! I know I have comical stories and experiences intertwined, but I just never figured he'd feel like wading through it all.

And, well, even though I've told him how I feel, I just wasn't ready for him to read the posts where I talk about him. You've read them. They are not unflattering in the least. He even knows the details about how I was feeling about life and love just before we became an item.

We've really talked about it all, but something about seeing things in writing.... I don't know... I just wasn't ready for him to see it all yet, but I had in mind to share it with him soon. Very soon. Within the next month or so.

So he could choose for himself to read or not read. Any or all of it that is out there for the world to see. Why not him as well?

I don't have a readership of millions... never will, my little life is not that interesting. But amazingly enough, over the last 3 years, I have attracted a readership of thousands.

Is there anyone who reads it religiously? No. I don't post often enough to have a true following, but I track who reads and how often and I am available to people who want to contact me.

Readers often e-mail me with questions and comments. Some even call, and I've met quite a few up close and in-person.

It's been a fun experience.



But back to my guy: I have told him everything about myself that might be remotely relevant to our present and future. I have told him things that no one else knows. Not my best friends, not other exes, not family.


Why? Because I knew early, early on that I wanted to marry this man and I wanted there to be no secrets between us.


He did the same.

Did he tell his family and friends the details?* Did I?

*None of which were especially sordid, I might add. I have managed to live a fairly decent life - no skeletons.

He did not tell my secrets. I did not tell his. They are my secrets. And his secrets.


There is nothing I believe he will ever tell me about himself or his past that can ever make me love him less than I do right now. And I know he feels the same. Some things aren't as I would have wished them to be. For both of us.

But we are in our thirties.... Who has made it to this age and not made mistakes of some type?

People who haven't lived....

Am I intensely proud of every single thing I've done from birth until now? Um... that would be a, 'No.'

It's like my girl Jill Scott sang famously:

Your background it ain't squeaky clean
Sometimes we all got to swim upstream
You ain't no saint, we all are sinners
But you put your good foot down and make your soul a winner

I respect that, man you're so phat
And you're all that
Plus supreme
Then you're humble
Man I'm numb Yo
With feeling
I can feel everything that you bring

Let's take a long walk
Around the park after dark
Find a spot for us to spark
Conversation, verbal elation, stimulation
Share our situations, temptations, education, relaxations....

Y'all know I love me some Jill...

But not as much as I love my man. He really is all that and then some.

Anyway...

If there's one thing I do have low tolerance for, it's people who are judgmental and unforgiving. People who pretend that they've never mispoken or stretched or bent the truth or plotted revenge (I said plotted, not carried out...:-), or done something/anything untoward at some point in their lives are low on my list of favorites.

You just know it isn't true. I'm all for righteousness. I try to do the right thing at all times. I really do. Self-righteousness, however, sucks!

Everybody does or says or thinks something they shouldn't at some point. It's just a matter of frequency, motive and degree. Everyone has lied at some point in life. Everyone has taken advantage of someone else at some point. Everyone has hurt someone that they cared about.

And try as any of us might, most of us are going to do it all again at some other point between tomorrow and the day we die. That's life. That's being human.

...So I'm not looking for perfection. Never was. Neither is he.


And yet. And still. I feel like he is so very perfect for me.


I know... if that doesn't sound ultra-sappy, what does? But I refuse to apologize for it now. Or ever. I want it always to be true. And I honestly think it will be.


I am not so unrealistic in my expectations as to believe we will never disagree or disappoint each other, but you know all the stuff I've said in the past about seeing one's flaws and faults and loving and forgiving them anyway? All the things I've said about how I love...?


He loves the same way.


Really. Actually. Demonstratively. Consistently.

Who hasn't had bad things happen to them? Who hasn't been hurt or lied to or betrayed? No one.


And without putting his business in the streets... he has had to deal with a lot of crap over the years from people who should have cared for him and looked out for him. People who were supposed to love him and have his best interests at heart.

I have too. It's something we have in common.

And yet, he is amazingly resilient and open and loving. Like I cannot believe sometimes.

He amazes me. Every day. Really and truly.

He knows. I've told him. I love him so much!

I save most of my declarations of adoration for my journal entries so that my friends and family won't tire of listening to me singing his praises. Just yesterday I was musing on how different he is. From everyone who came before.

And how I want to spend my life with him because he is just that uniquely amazing.

I do know that if and when he asks me to, I will most certainly say, 'Yes', without any doubts or reservations.

Sigh....

Ok, OK!

Really, I've got to find my camera so I can take pictures and post about my hair again!

Because the same way I know he doesn't care about Sergei and Svetlana... I know that most of you did not come here for this...so I will try my best to make my next post about my hair! It's been a very long while since I've updated everyone.

Toodles!

Law of Attraction

I did decide to do better and be better all on my very own before I met him. I began taking steps to correct the things that weren't working in my life.

I am steadily losing weight through healthier eating habits and exercise. I am getting organized again. I restructured my business for better work-life balance.

And now, knowing him, loving him is just added motivation to continue cultivating seeds I'd already planted.

I feel so far removed even now from the person I was in December. I experienced a monumental spiritual and emotional growth spurt. A true paradigm shift. I look back now and I still can't believe it. How far I have come in such a short while. But I am happy for it.

Happy that I was ready for him to come into my life.

I do very much feel that we will continue to grow together. He wants all the same things that I do, with the same intensity, to the same degree.

I've never experienced this and neither has he. And both of us have so much appreciation.

Guess Who!

Guess who is in love!

That's right. I am. I am.

I guess sometimes things do fall out of the sky. Feels like that anyway.

I was commiserating with a married friend about my particular set of needs, wants and desires and how I know that I am a singular individual. I am not what every man wants and it's not a self-esteem issue, believe me.

In spite of some of the things I said in the previous post and my ongoing struggles with my weight, I like the person that I am. I stand by the choices that I've made, but there are things that I want and don't want in a life partner and it's a unique combination. For example: I want someone with strong family values, but I don't want to have children of my own. I want someone with strong religious convictions who is also liberal and tolerant of the beliefs of others.

I want someone who celebrates and supports my independent nature who will also understand my vulnerability and therefore not belittle me for needing him desperately even though most of the time I will pretend that I don't. I want him to never call me out on this. (That one alone is a tall order and I know it!)

I know that I am a study in contradictions and I live with daily ambivalence about most things. I am extremely quirky and hard-to-read. On and on my list goes like so.

So...

I am a flavor that is not for everyone, and indeed not for most.

And so...

As you all read, I was pretty well resigned to being alone for the next long while.

It was to be a time for sorting things out within myself.

Little did I know what was in store for me. And whether it came from God or The Universe, I still can't say. I only know that he is here with me now.

I was telling my friend what I wanted and how I know it is unlikely that I will find him.

It has been a recurring theme, but this time a solution presented itself.

He's a professional, self-employed, like me. Not divorced, no baby mama drama. And not a jerk or a playboy. Not emotionally stunted or socially inept. Just a really sweet guy with all of the very same values looking for love. And marriage.

None of that let's-keep-this-open-and-see-where-it-goes crap I bought into in my 20's. I was all for it then. It wasn't forced on me and merely tolerated. I was admittedly something of a commitment-phobe myself. I'll be the first to say it.

However this is different. Because we both knew from the start that we each wanted a real, grown-up relationship, we didn't play any games at all. We had the hard conversations first - about children and exes and debt and emotional baggage. If we'd run into a dealbreaker, it would have been easier to break it off then, but we didn't and, simultaneously, we also had the fun conversations about where our lives are headed and what's important to us - favorite movies and books!

Yes! Books! He reads! That's huge in my world! He is well-read and honestly he is the smartest man I have ever dated. I think he may just be a genius.

If I do say so myself, I have a very large vocabulary and he uses words that I don't know.* (Well, not really... there was just the one word, the one time, but still - that never happens!)

*And not in that condescending I'm-just-going-to-use-random-big-words-to-make-myself-seem-smart way that annoys me. It really is just the way that he thinks.

He teaches me things, so I find it easy to look up to him and follow him and yet he always makes me feel as if he needs me too and just as much as I need him, if not more.

It's wonderful. He's wonderful! And he thinks I'm wonderful too! And beautiful and gorgeous and smart and amazing!

And he tells me so.

All the time.

He fell in love with me rather instantly and never felt the need to pretend like he didn't. That in and of itself put him in a class by himself.

It has not been very long in the grand scheme and we are not engaged, but he has repeatedly told me that I am The One for him. We have not yet met each other's families (only because of scheduling and logistics), but he knows that I will fit in perfectly with his family and he assured me that they will love me as much as he does and I believe him.

I feel the same way about him.

It has been a true whirlwind romance - thrilling, exciting, and scary all at once, but I wouldn't trade it.

In the interest of good judgment, we are letting things progress a little more slowly from here because we do both believe that marriage should not be entered into lightly because it should also be for life. Neither one of us wants to do this more than once. And much as we do want a common future, we have our very separate lives that will not easily be blended into one.

But I am so happy we've gotten to know each other.

Even though I felt like I was not ready for love and I still feel like there is much room for self-improvement, I know that I can be a better person with him, for him and because of him.

Sigh....

There are still many more things we must learn - questions to be asked and answered - and some things that can only be observed and proven with the passage of time, but I just had to share!

More to come...

Why Am I Still Single?

Thankfully, I harbor no delusions about why I am not currently in a relationship.

I do not believe that my one and only soulmate is out there and I can't find him or he can't find me. I do not believe that God has not yet allowed him to cross my path.

I am not frontin' and tellin' myself and others how wonderful I am and how disappointed I am that no one is able to recognize the fabulousness that is me.

I know that nothing falls out of the sky....

I am not telling myself it is because all of the good ones are taken or gay. They are not in jail, too poor, uneducated or intimidated by my success and/or intelligence.

It is not because I am too busy, nor is it because I am fat.

Fat people fall in love every day.

Fat people get married every day.

Crazy people do. Busy people do. Ugly people do. Broke people do. I could go on.

People in every class of unattractiveness and dysfunction (physical, emotional, spiritual, and financial) find love and commitment and some level of happiness (however fleeting) in relationships - all the time.

People with low expectations do. People with high expectations do. People with no expectations do...

I know that nothing falls out of the sky....

So whether or not I am worthy or feel worthy or feel pretty and attractive isn't really at the heart of it. It is not about my work-life balance or lack thereof. Or my financial stability or lack thereof. Or the current state of my spirituality, etc...

All are factors in how I feel about starting and maintaining a relationship, but none of these things is what is really holding me back.

Am I ready for love? Am I ready for marriage?

I look inside myself and I know that I am not. In so many ways. And because I know that I am not ready, I am not even trying. In any sense of the word.

I know that nothing falls out of the sky....

I refuse to make excuses. I readily admit that I am not trying to look beautiful. I am not trying to prove that I am nurturing or supportive. I am not trying to project the right amounts of confidence and vulnerability. I am not even trying to go places where I will meet good men. I am not trying to make myself available to the good men I already know.

I do believe in the principle of the law of attraction.



Anybody remember the india.arie song "Butterfly"?

If you want a butterfly/You've got to be a butterfly

Truer words were never spoken.

If you put turnips in the ground/You won't get harvest grapes

You are what you attract/And this is nature's way

It's not that I don't like who I am now. I do really truly love myself and where my life is headed. But I am not there yet. And even though I am not sure what 'there' is; I do know that I will recognize when I am more assuredly on the path to the success that I am meant to have and the life that I am meant to live...

I am not a complete mess. I am not overly needy, an emotional wreck, carrying all kinds of baggage and/or to' up from da flo' up, but I am just not there yet.

I know that I am not who I want to be. I understand and wholeheartedly believe that I will always be a work in progress, so I am not waiting for perfection or some unreasonably lofty goals and aspirations to be met.

I just know and believe that who I would attract now (although that man might be fine for the moment) is not going to be the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

And why bother getting myself so entangled? Better...easier...all around more productive to focus on being the person I want to become.

I've got to let myself grow...

And I am okay with being alone in the interim.

I thought a lot about this when I reread my letter to an old boyfriend before posting it.

I have alluded to things that I learned as a result of our relationship and things that went wrong within it before. But rereading the post reminded me how often I reflect on him and us and our relationship and how often I am glad that our marriage did not come to pass.

Our relationship and my happiness was very 'of the moment.' The entire time I was with him, I knew - knew - that the things I liked about us and being with him were not in line with the goals I had for the rest of my life.

For some reason I had it in my mind and on my heart that I had to be married before I was thirty or else I never would be. And even though I wasn't really ready and didn't particularly want to marry him, I knew that I did not want to be single for the rest of my life or throughout my thirties and somehow I managed to convince myself that he was my last, best chance.

How silly was that?

Angry as I was with him at the time, I realize now what a favor he did me.

He also did me a great disservice by asking me to marry him when he really didn't mean it, but ultimately he made up for it when he was honest enough to say that he did not love me enough to make it forever.

I would still have more respect for him today if he had said it sooner and without prompting from me.

But the bottom line is this: we are both free to find real love because we did not marry each other. And I am so grateful for that fact I cannot hold a grudge.

Letter to an Old Boyfriend

You know who you are:

First, let me say before everything that I am never sorry that we are not together. Going our separate ways was the very best thing.

I am only ever upset that I did not leave you sooner. (That's not actually the only thing that upsets me when I think about it, but it's always the main thing.)

You were so not good for me.

I am not better for having been with you. I am not better for having loved you.

Only wiser and more experienced in what not to do. What signs to look for the next time around. What pitfalls to avoid.

Deciding to leave you was hard. I don't know how you tell it, if you tell it; whether you say I broke up with you, you broke up with me or it was mutual.

It's hard to say, really.

Our relationship started to unravel and disintegrate because you stopped participating, showing up, being involved. You checked out. You went emotionally AWOL.

But it ended because I called you on it, and you were unwilling and unable to change. (Yes, I am convinced it was both.)

I want you to know that when I think of it now, I am never ever sorry it ended. (Not sorry it started either, because we did have some really good times.) Just sorry I didn't walk away sooner and with more of my self-confidence intact.

I never loved you in a way that was blind to your faults. I saw them all and I loved you anyway. I loved you anyway because I believed that you could be a better man and I loved you anyway because to me you were good enough, perfectly fine, and just simply wonderful exactly as you were.

I look back now and I see that you weren't so special - that's just the way I love.

I think it's the only way you can love a person for life: to see their faults and love them any way. It's the only way you can keep trying, keep forgiving, keep perservering through all disappointments.

You have to forgive a person their shortcomings, overlook their faults as you know they overlook yours...know there are things they are not good at, but have respect for them any way.

There was a time when I believed that's what we had, but the moment I realized that we didn't, it was easy to walk away. Not that it didn't still hurt. Not that I didn't feel rejected, but I can honestly say that I have no regrets.

From the Archives 6.14.08

I Love a Good Bra, But....

When you call your creation 'the most innovative bra ever' you are just asking for criticism - especially when the innovation seems to be a series of differect strap configurations all of which we've seen before and which may or may not provide adequate support for those of us with real breasts.



I found this article entertaining all the same. Much like the one on bras for bros a while back....

Sisterlocks Boredom

Another post from the archives. Written 4.19.08.

From time to time all of us comment on the fact that we are bored with our Sisterlocks and we need a change.

A friend of a friend recently cut her sisterlocks down to a TWA after 3 years...which I can't imagine...Maybe it is just a hairstyle for some folks, and not the life-altering path to freedom and self-love it is to others.

No judgments either way.

I was also reading the Hair Affairs e-zine that was delivered to my inbox today. There is an article inside that talks about how there are good days and bad days and times along the way when you will get bored with them and tired of them.

I wonder why people are so surprised about that fact. Is that unique to locking? I don't think so.

Women of all races and hair textures get bored with their hair. That's why the beauty industry makes so much money off of styling products and hair color. That's what keeps salons in business.

We all crave change at some point,. It just happens to some of us more often than others. Not having the option to wear our hair straightened seems confining and limiting to some.

People shy away from the perceived permanence of locks, but what baffles me is the fact that these same people fail to realize that it is the same with relaxed hair.

That is permanent. If you want hair that isn't chemicallly straightened you have to cut it and let it grow out again. Hair color is permanent. The only way to 'undo' that chemical process it to go over it again with more color...or cut it and grow it out again.

And how many of us can really wear every look we see in the magazines?

Most of us settle into the same 2 or 3 hairstyles that are quick and convenient. We only make exceptions on special occasions.

Add that to the fact that everybody's hair won't do like the hair models and actresses and video vixens.

This is true for several reasons. 1) No access to wind machines. 2) No on-call access to celeb stylists. 3) All hair IS NOT created equal. 4) Certain styles will NEVER be acheived by those who choose not to use OPH in the form of weaves or wigs.

SO.... what are we REALLY missing out on? Let's be honest...

The perception that relaxed hair gives you greater freedom and hairstyling choices is actually a HUGE misconception!

Locks aren't for everyone. They weren't for me at a different stage in my life, but I want people to realize that while locking is a commitment and a decision not to be made/taken lightly, one should not shy away from getting them because they are too permanent or will give them less options.

Locks offer more options, not less.

There will be times when they will frustrate you - be prepared for that. But don't give up because of bunching or shrinking. Know that it will happen and give them a chance to grow and mature and get over the rough patches.

My hair is more carefree than it has ever been in my life! I have less daily maintenance now than I did with a TWA!

Now, I can use absolutely NO product and my hair still looks good. I can go 5 or 6 weeks between tightenings (although I don't.)

With a TWA, I had to use conditioners and activators, sometimes gel, just to get it to 'do right'. I had to get it shaped up every THREE weeks....And I still only had the one look...

I too look in the mirror every day and think how much I love my locks...how much I am loving them more and more as the weeks and months go by.

4.19.08

Self-tite Advice

I wrote this post exactly one year ago. It was sitting in my draft box. Today I decided to dust it off and publish it.

Before I started SLs, I was in the salon every other week getting my hair done. I only did it myself if money was TIGHT! So the thought of maintaining my hair myself was overwhelming.

I used to look at ladies I knew who did their own micros and kinky twists with extensions (both of which are time-intensive and require different skills from a blow-dry and curl or wet set for example) and think: I could NEVER do that.

So I really thought I couldn't retighten my own Sisterlocks. The first time I saw my consultant do hers and another client's - it looked like magic to me!

She was so fast it just looked like she touched the tool to the scalp 2 or 3 times and she was done!
It seemed like something I could never learn.

But after 6 months I was ready to try.

I didn't have the money for the class so I bought the nappylocs tool. I read online how to do my pattern - the reverse 4 is super-easy - and just practiced on a few.

The hardest part for me is the same thing that challenges me about twists - if doing your whole head, your arms get tired. The 2nd hardest part - IMO - is not marrying locs and doing the parts you can't see, but you learn what it should feel like with practice.

Clips help keep stray locks out of the way too.

I thought I would HATE self-maintenance, but instead I LOVE it. I do a little every day. That's the other thing I advocate. Spread it out over as long a period of time as you want.

Get over the idea that you have to do it ALL in one day. You don't have to spend hours on it 'til you're tired and frustrated. Do 20 minutes and stop if you want. When I did mine the first time it took over a week.

Now I can go straight through in 2 - 3 days if I wait a few weeks between tightenings, but instead I do 20 or so every couple if days. It's a relaxing activity while watching tv.

Many people are stressing about what to do in anticipation of job loss or moving away from beloved consultants. To those women I say: if I were you, I would try to do it myself before I combined locks or looked into other options. I've been doing my own for a year now and haven't looked back!

Good luck!

A year later ( 2 years into the DIY and a little more than 2.5 years into my lock journey) I am proud to say that I never marry locks anymore even though I never use clips or bands or any sectioning method.

I have started somewhere in the neighborhood of 30 - 50 new locks in the last two years - mostly around my hairline, but some throughout the interior. Oddly enough I keep sprouting mysterious new growth in various places and whenever the fuzzy little coils reach about half an inch I lock them up.

I am actually totally random with my tightening schedule. I call it the madness method. Those of us with SLs have our hands in our hair pretty constantly anyway. I just keep a tool nearby and whenever I feel a lock that needs tightening I do.

I have about 350 locks and on average I tighten 20 - 50 almost every day. My hair grows super fast so I could tighten every day. If I am tired or busy or just plain don't feel like it, I don't.

I don't tighten in sections. I don't tighten the front or the back or the sides. There is literally no order and no pattern. The benefit of the madness method? It makes it easy not to marry locks because I never have a section that is all loose or long.

Consequently my roots are always neat and never puffy. Enough locks on the top and sides are always tight that the loose ones never stand out. Plus I have a wavy curl pattern, so even the long loose locks lay close to my scalp.

Generally speaking I never have to do more than one rotation and tight locks are always next to loose locks, so as I reach up and feel, I never have to wonder which lock I should be working on. It is nearly impossible to marry locks when five in a cluster are all tight and only one is loose.

Some people might hate the ongoing nature of this method, but to me it's like brushing my teeth or taking a shower. It has just become a regular feature of my daily grooming routine. It is still infinitely less time-consuming overall than anything else I ever did before with my hair, so I have absolutely no complaints!

Sometimes I get a little ahead of myself and I reach up and find that all of my locks are firm and none need retightening and I find myself almost disappointed that I will have to wait a day or two for new growth.

Does anyone else tighten daily?

1810 East North Street