Saturday, September 19, 2009

Trying this Again....


Sigh... This weight loss journey has been a struggle. One of the hardest challenges I have ever faced in my life. Really. For so many reasons, and none of them positive.

I don't even know where to begin to tell the story or if I even want to.

No. I am not undecided. I most definitely do not want to tell the tale, but I am starting over again.

I can hardly believe I started this blog two years ago and that I was so disgusted and fed up with the extra weight then, when it was what? 40 extra lbs? 145 lbs. total? I don't know. I have to look it up.

In any case, I topped out this week at 195.


Fifty. Pounds. Later.

I'm 4'11. My Dad is 5'11. We weigh... the same... thing.

I didn't even blog about the day I went into the specialty bra shop (oh, yeah, we're in all new territory now - the girls got waa-aay outta control months ago! They do not carry my size at the local department store or Victoria's Secret.) and the fitting consultant informed me that I needed a 'K' cup.

I knew the 'DDD' wasn't cutting it anymore and I was a-feared I would be in something ridiculous like an 'F' or a 'G'.

Nope. Bypassed them and H, I, and J.

Big breasts run in my family and I was a 'D' and then a 'DD' long before I had a weight problem. It was okay when I still had a 25 inch waist.

I couldn't believe it.

I really don't even want to know what my measurements are now. Not any of them.

I just want to look and feel like myself again. And be able to shop in the petite section and be able to reach for the S and the XS and not the 1X and XXL and actually wonder if they will fit and not be too small. It is a terrible blow to my self-esteem.

Every. Single. Time.

I refuse to get used to this and accept it as my new normal, so I have been really miserable and felt terribly unattractive for the better part of 3 years now, extremely so in the last 18 months.

As bad as I felt before when I was 40 - 50 lbs overweight, I think it is safe to say that I am now officially obese with 85 lbs to lose.

Like I said, we won't even focus on how I got here. I am determined not to look behind, but only to look forward and focus on what I am going to do to rectify this unfortunate situation.

Yesterday I joined a gym and tomorrow I start a new eating plan.

And there is nothing new about either of those things.

I had a gym membership when I began to get fat. In fact, my two year membership was just up in March of this year. Why didn't that work for me? I don't even feel like trying to analyze it.

And the new eating plan?

I've tried fasts and cleanses and Weight Watchers and NutriSystem and Medifast and my own little hobbled-together jack-leg hybrids of diets incorporating shakes and cereals and oatmeal and flax seed and various supplements and teas and frozen entrees by Healthy Choice and Lean Cuisine....


Why didn't those work? Any of them?

....So many reasons, and again, this round of blogs is not going to be about the self-analysis. I'm saving that for my personal handwritten, off-line journal.

So what am I going to post here?

I hope to post my record of success. At the very least I want to record my activity and progress.

Like today. What did I do today?

I went to the gym.


I went for a 9 o'clock Body Pump class, which I thoroughly enjoyed. It was my very first session. There are all kinds of claims on the Internet about how many calories you burn in an hour. I've read everything from 250 to 600. I'm going for the low-to-moderate 300.

Hey! It's 300 more than I burned yesterday!

The website says Body Pump "is the fastest way to shape up and lose body fat." That's a bold claim for any routine, product, or system. So I gotta say that I don't believe the hype, but it was fun and I believe it would have to be effective over time.

I started out with really low weights, but I am looking forward to seeing how quickly I gain enough strength to increase them and I'm looking forward to seeing my muscle tone come back as the fat melts away.

I absolutely love group fitness and that's why I re-joined a gym.

I have thirty-five fitness dvds if I have one. Winsor Pilates, Yoga Booty Ballet, Core Rhythms, Turbo Jam, Zumba, etc. And I've done them all. More than once too! More than 5 or 10 times, but there's something about knowing there's a class and scheduling time to show up to work out with a group and a live instructor that really can't be beat. Somehow I need that structure.

I would love to have a personal trainer, but that is not currently in the budget, so group fitness is the next best thing to keep me consistently motivated.

I ran errands (after I came home to shower and rest) and then I went back around 7:30 p.m. and did an hour on the treadmill.

I started out at a moderate 2.8 mph, so as not to overdo it, but I chose a random incline program and was able to keep my heart rate up between 145 and 165, which according to the diagram on the treadmill was the in optimal 75% to 85% I needed to acheive sustained fat-burn.

I covered a total of 2.91 miles including warm-up and cool down and if I can believe the digital readout, I burned 325 calories.

So I possibly burned as much as 625 additional calories today. I wasn't as vigilant about my nutrition as I should have been, but you had better believe that I do not intend to bust my hump at the gym 5 days a week only to undermine my efforts with poor eating habits.

Stay tuned.

Oh, yeah. I'll get around to posting about my hair at some point before the month is over. The 29th is 2.5 years locked! 30 months.

I am never more grateful for Sisterlocks than times when I get caught in a downpour and can go about my business unconcerned, or when I have had a really hard workout and I'm sweating from my scalp - both of which happened today.

All I had to do was come home, wash it in the shower and keep getting up!

Sisterlocks are the best.

Every time I long for my loose nappy hair (which I had been doing more and more of late) I remember the convenience and freedom I now have that cannot be acheived (for me) with any other hairstyle.


sunsail said...

Hey lady, I've missed you!! Thank you for sharing that very personal story. A LOT of what you wrote was like reading my own mind. I too have about 40 pounds that love me sooo much they refuse to leave, lol. I wish I had some words of advice, but I haven't found anything that works for myself yet. I, like you, have all the DVDs, had a gym membership, WW, etc, and ask me how many times I went or actually did the DVDs.

I won't offer any trite advice, cuz really, we're pot and kettle girl! However, I WILL say that I've missed you a lot and would really like it if you just posted something, anything, just to let me know you're ok :)


blackrussian said...

Hey SS! Thank you for commenting!

I track my readership and I've had hundreds and hundreds of hits since I posted it. Several people have stayed a long time and several more have had multiple visits, but no one has SAID anything!

I know it must have resonated with many of my readers and that's why I posted. I know I can NOT be alone in this.

You're right. I don't want advice, or pity.

And I guess people don't know WHAT to say.

But it was great hearing an "I Miss You" and "I'm Struggling too!"

Sometimes it's nice to know you're not the only one who hasn't figured it out yet - and not for lack of trying.

Thanks girl! I haven't been posting, but I have been reading faithfully Ms. Un-Hair Diva.

Congrats on the impending nuptuals and how goes the search for a 'do?

Cashana said...

Like Sunsail said, thanks for sharing your story. I got lots of weight to lose and I am actually going through my doctor to do it. I can't give advice, when I don't follow it myself. I am choosing the doctor route because I have to have someone to snap me into following through. I know how I got here, it is just hard to lose it. But I will. Although I am a caretaker, it is time for me to take care of myself.

You know I check your blog periodically to see if you have posted, it was nice to see that you were okay.

See I wrote a book to remind you of how you would respond to folks blog. LOL!

blackrussian said...

I know. When you don't hear from people in a while you hope they're alright. So much can happen. People get sick or injured. Lately a few of my acquaintances have even DIED auddenly and unexpectedly!

So, thanks, C for checking in on me.

You all know that I'm running my own business and that keeps me quite busy off-line. That has been my main concern.

And y'all know I was always slack about the pictures even when I wasn't unhappy about my weight.

Aya said...

Oh BR, I wish you the best on your weight loss journey. It can sure be a struggle, especially the older you get. Keep us informed about your progress.

blackrussian said...

Thanks, Aya. Looking for an update from you on your blog as well. What's new?

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Livingall4Him said...

I will be on the sidelines cheering you on. Just take it one day at a time.