From the archives....

Like I said, I was reading through my draft box and found some posts that are interesting to me now in light of the changes my life has seen in the last 3 years.

Take this one for example:

7.27.07

So it seems that some of us who are single post almost as much and as often about our single status and our feelings about it as we do about our hair. I have been following the 'Where is my king?' series by locsuluv* and it has inspired me to leave several comments on her blog which turned in to posts of my own, inculding this one.

*(It appears that locsuluv has taken down her blog. I couldn't find her blog or profile to link back to the posts I'm referring to. I don't know what happened to her. If anyone knows, I would appreciate an update. A private note by e-mail would be fine.)

I could identify with several issues she addressed. When I was younger, I didn't stress much about being married or not being married because I assumed it would happen one day, and I assumed that one day would preferably/probably come before my 25th birthday.

It wasn't a goal or a deadline or even a full-fledged expectation, but rather something I just simply thought would come together for me without much effort. I really thought it would just happen.

How hard is it to find someone you love who loves you back with the same devotion and to the same degree?

(Ah the naïveté of youth, right?)

I would be living my life, pursuing my goals and I would meet him, and I would know it was him.

Well, that's not how it happened for me, and I did begin to second guess myself and wonder what I had done wrong.

It is definitely a challenge to be self-sufficient in the way we need to be to take care of ourselves in this world and yet remain open to the possibility of marriage; to be seen as vulnerable enough that a man wants to take care of you without seeming desperate enough that he runs away.

But you also have to be confident enough that you like who you are and competent enough that you are seen as an asset and not a liability in and to his life.

It is a very difficult balance to strike. I am still trying to figure it out. *

*Here I have to say that my husband made this really easy for me simply by being the type of person that he is. He's never made me feel like I have to be more or less than the person that I naturally am. I don't have to pretend to be more or less intelligent, more or less domestic, more or less vulnerable or strong.

He really does love and accept and appreciate me exactly as I am.

I can just be myself and it is enough for him. I can't express how comfortable and safe that makes me feel at the end of every day. Heck! At the beginning. Shoot! All day long....

Can you say: all the happiness I can stand....?

I'm not happy for all of the hurt and disappointment and hard-knock lessons I learned on the way to where I am now. It would have been nice to have found the kind of love I have now 5 years ago or 10. But I do most definitely have greater appreciation for it now than I would have had then.

I know I will work hard to protect this love and nurture it and see that it grows and matures. And I know that I will never take my husband and the love he has for me for granted.

Anyway, back to the original post....

Long ago, before I hit my 25th b-day, I decided I would just live my life the way I always wanted. I would pursue my goals and I would travel and I would focus on being a whole and complete person - by myself, alone, and if I met someone fine and if I didn't fine.

But then I did meet someone. Two someones, in fact. The first one tried to make me change for him and I rebelled against it; but then the second one made me want to change, and so I did.

Long story short (well, it's kind of too late for that...but anyway). I had two back-to-back relationships that took up all of my time and emotional energy between the ages of 24 and 29 and neither of them resulted in marriage.

So, here I am on the eve of my 30th birthday and I am more determined than ever to do what I need to do for me, and to refocus on my goals which include my service and worship.

In fact, I do believe it is necessary and essential for me to put my relationship with God back at the center of my life if I expect to find happiness single or married.

9.27.07

Wow... I remember writing that like it was last week. I was about two months out of a third relationship that I don't even make reference to and barely speak about to this day because it was just crazy. Not crazy-bad like there was non-stop drama.

Crazy like it seemed really, really good up until the day it wasn't and then it just unraveled in about 3 days. It was really strange. Never experienced anything like it before or since and it definitely left me gunshy in subsequent relationships.

After it ended, I was more concerned about my own perception and judgment than of the mindset that men are inherently deceptive and untrustworthy. It was like: wow! How did I misjudge to that degree?

Because the man seemed to be all about me for months and then he was just someone else one day.

He really did say things like: I love you. You're beautiful. I want to marry you.

Constantly. I didn't make that up.

But I don't know. It was still incredibly superficial in hindsight. I keep a journal. And it's funny. Now, with the distance and objectivity of 3 years' time I read and saw all kinds of signs that he was a flake from the get-go.

Especially in comparison to the man who is now my husband, but at the time I was just like: how did this happen? What should I have done differently? Why did he change overnight?

He didn't. He was always one foot out the door. But the foot that was in was all-in. That's what was so mind-bending at the time. He said all the right things, but many of his actions (and lack of actions) were in direct conflict with his words.

And we all know that adage about actions and words...

It was really scary for me while I was dating my now-husband because he said many of the same types of things on roughly the same timeline as Bachelor #3 and I spent the first three months just entirely scared that he was going to flake out on me too or that I was misreading the situation and missing signs that his devotion was shallow.

I was so scared all the time and I told him so on a regular basis.

The difference? Constant verbal reassurances and actions to back them up. .

And I didn't have to ask him for reassurances or ask him to follow-through. He simply did and never seemed annoyed about how often I needed encouragement.

...I'm saying it again. He's awesome!

I feel like some of y'all are just going to stop reading my blog.

I feel like there must be eye-rolling and declarations of: if she says one more thing about how wonderful her man is, I'm quitting this blog.

I know. I know! Y'all didn't come here for this. I need to post something abot my hair, right?

And I really need to take some pictures...

Letter to an Old Boyfriend

You know who you are:

First, let me say before everything that I am never sorry that we are not together. Going our separate ways was the very best thing.

I am only ever upset that I did not leave you sooner. (That's not actually the only thing that upsets me when I think about it, but it's always the main thing.)

You were so not good for me.

I am not better for having been with you. I am not better for having loved you.

Only wiser and more experienced in what not to do. What signs to look for the next time around. What pitfalls to avoid.

Deciding to leave you was hard. I don't know how you tell it, if you tell it; whether you say I broke up with you, you broke up with me or it was mutual.

It's hard to say, really.

Our relationship started to unravel and disintegrate because you stopped participating, showing up, being involved. You checked out. You went emotionally AWOL.

But it ended because I called you on it, and you were unwilling and unable to change. (Yes, I am convinced it was both.)

I want you to know that when I think of it now, I am never ever sorry it ended. (Not sorry it started either, because we did have some really good times.) Just sorry I didn't walk away sooner and with more of my self-confidence intact.

I never loved you in a way that was blind to your faults. I saw them all and I loved you anyway. I loved you anyway because I believed that you could be a better man and I loved you anyway because to me you were good enough, perfectly fine, and just simply wonderful exactly as you were.

I look back now and I see that you weren't so special - that's just the way I love.

I think it's the only way you can love a person for life: to see their faults and love them any way. It's the only way you can keep trying, keep forgiving, keep perservering through all disappointments.

You have to forgive a person their shortcomings, overlook their faults as you know they overlook yours...know there are things they are not good at, but have respect for them any way.

There was a time when I believed that's what we had, but the moment I realized that we didn't, it was easy to walk away. Not that it didn't still hurt. Not that I didn't feel rejected, but I can honestly say that I have no regrets.

From the Archives 6.14.08

From the archives....

We all know that I am always starting some sort of new feature on my blog.

....and then abandoning it.

Does anyone remember the entrepreneurial inspirations?

Granted, I did abandon that one in my quest to live the dream and become my own ei, but anyway, I'm starting another one and we'll try and see if I can keep it up.

I checked my draft box and I have ~drumroll, please ~ Sixty-Five drafts sitting in my box right now.

Wow!...if you had asked, I would have said I had between 25 and 30.

Nope.

They stretch all the way back to April '07!

If I post them to their original dates, they likely won't get read. So I'm going to use them to fill in some of the gaps when I don't have time to create new posts.

I believe a lot of my thoughts are still relevant, but many of them make reference to older posts by other bloggers. Just telling you all so you don't wonder why I'm talking about old stuff like it just happened.