Why Am I Still Single?

Thankfully, I harbor no delusions about why I am not currently in a relationship.

I do not believe that my one and only soulmate is out there and I can't find him or he can't find me. I do not believe that God has not yet allowed him to cross my path.

I am not frontin' and tellin' myself and others how wonderful I am and how disappointed I am that no one is able to recognize the fabulousness that is me.

I know that nothing falls out of the sky....

I am not telling myself it is because all of the good ones are taken or gay. They are not in jail, too poor, uneducated or intimidated by my success and/or intelligence.

It is not because I am too busy, nor is it because I am fat.

Fat people fall in love every day.

Fat people get married every day.

Crazy people do. Busy people do. Ugly people do. Broke people do. I could go on.

People in every class of unattractiveness and dysfunction (physical, emotional, spiritual, and financial) find love and commitment and some level of happiness (however fleeting) in relationships - all the time.

People with low expectations do. People with high expectations do. People with no expectations do...

I know that nothing falls out of the sky....

So whether or not I am worthy or feel worthy or feel pretty and attractive isn't really at the heart of it. It is not about my work-life balance or lack thereof. Or my financial stability or lack thereof. Or the current state of my spirituality, etc...

All are factors in how I feel about starting and maintaining a relationship, but none of these things is what is really holding me back.

Am I ready for love? Am I ready for marriage?

I look inside myself and I know that I am not. In so many ways. And because I know that I am not ready, I am not even trying. In any sense of the word.

I know that nothing falls out of the sky....

I refuse to make excuses. I readily admit that I am not trying to look beautiful. I am not trying to prove that I am nurturing or supportive. I am not trying to project the right amounts of confidence and vulnerability. I am not even trying to go places where I will meet good men. I am not trying to make myself available to the good men I already know.

I do believe in the principle of the law of attraction.



Anybody remember the india.arie song "Butterfly"?

If you want a butterfly/You've got to be a butterfly

Truer words were never spoken.

If you put turnips in the ground/You won't get harvest grapes

You are what you attract/And this is nature's way

It's not that I don't like who I am now. I do really truly love myself and where my life is headed. But I am not there yet. And even though I am not sure what 'there' is; I do know that I will recognize when I am more assuredly on the path to the success that I am meant to have and the life that I am meant to live...

I am not a complete mess. I am not overly needy, an emotional wreck, carrying all kinds of baggage and/or to' up from da flo' up, but I am just not there yet.

I know that I am not who I want to be. I understand and wholeheartedly believe that I will always be a work in progress, so I am not waiting for perfection or some unreasonably lofty goals and aspirations to be met.

I just know and believe that who I would attract now (although that man might be fine for the moment) is not going to be the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

And why bother getting myself so entangled? Better...easier...all around more productive to focus on being the person I want to become.

I've got to let myself grow...

And I am okay with being alone in the interim.

I thought a lot about this when I reread my letter to an old boyfriend before posting it.

I have alluded to things that I learned as a result of our relationship and things that went wrong within it before. But rereading the post reminded me how often I reflect on him and us and our relationship and how often I am glad that our marriage did not come to pass.

Our relationship and my happiness was very 'of the moment.' The entire time I was with him, I knew - knew - that the things I liked about us and being with him were not in line with the goals I had for the rest of my life.

For some reason I had it in my mind and on my heart that I had to be married before I was thirty or else I never would be. And even though I wasn't really ready and didn't particularly want to marry him, I knew that I did not want to be single for the rest of my life or throughout my thirties and somehow I managed to convince myself that he was my last, best chance.

How silly was that?

Angry as I was with him at the time, I realize now what a favor he did me.

He also did me a great disservice by asking me to marry him when he really didn't mean it, but ultimately he made up for it when he was honest enough to say that he did not love me enough to make it forever.

I would still have more respect for him today if he had said it sooner and without prompting from me.

But the bottom line is this: we are both free to find real love because we did not marry each other. And I am so grateful for that fact I cannot hold a grudge.

Letter to an Old Boyfriend

You know who you are:

First, let me say before everything that I am never sorry that we are not together. Going our separate ways was the very best thing.

I am only ever upset that I did not leave you sooner. (That's not actually the only thing that upsets me when I think about it, but it's always the main thing.)

You were so not good for me.

I am not better for having been with you. I am not better for having loved you.

Only wiser and more experienced in what not to do. What signs to look for the next time around. What pitfalls to avoid.

Deciding to leave you was hard. I don't know how you tell it, if you tell it; whether you say I broke up with you, you broke up with me or it was mutual.

It's hard to say, really.

Our relationship started to unravel and disintegrate because you stopped participating, showing up, being involved. You checked out. You went emotionally AWOL.

But it ended because I called you on it, and you were unwilling and unable to change. (Yes, I am convinced it was both.)

I want you to know that when I think of it now, I am never ever sorry it ended. (Not sorry it started either, because we did have some really good times.) Just sorry I didn't walk away sooner and with more of my self-confidence intact.

I never loved you in a way that was blind to your faults. I saw them all and I loved you anyway. I loved you anyway because I believed that you could be a better man and I loved you anyway because to me you were good enough, perfectly fine, and just simply wonderful exactly as you were.

I look back now and I see that you weren't so special - that's just the way I love.

I think it's the only way you can love a person for life: to see their faults and love them any way. It's the only way you can keep trying, keep forgiving, keep perservering through all disappointments.

You have to forgive a person their shortcomings, overlook their faults as you know they overlook yours...know there are things they are not good at, but have respect for them any way.

There was a time when I believed that's what we had, but the moment I realized that we didn't, it was easy to walk away. Not that it didn't still hurt. Not that I didn't feel rejected, but I can honestly say that I have no regrets.

From the Archives 6.14.08

I Love a Good Bra, But....

When you call your creation 'the most innovative bra ever' you are just asking for criticism - especially when the innovation seems to be a series of differect strap configurations all of which we've seen before and which may or may not provide adequate support for those of us with real breasts.



I found this article entertaining all the same. Much like the one on bras for bros a while back....

Sisterlocks Boredom

Another post from the archives. Written 4.19.08.

From time to time all of us comment on the fact that we are bored with our Sisterlocks and we need a change.

A friend of a friend recently cut her sisterlocks down to a TWA after 3 years...which I can't imagine...Maybe it is just a hairstyle for some folks, and not the life-altering path to freedom and self-love it is to others.

No judgments either way.

I was also reading the Hair Affairs e-zine that was delivered to my inbox today. There is an article inside that talks about how there are good days and bad days and times along the way when you will get bored with them and tired of them.

I wonder why people are so surprised about that fact. Is that unique to locking? I don't think so.

Women of all races and hair textures get bored with their hair. That's why the beauty industry makes so much money off of styling products and hair color. That's what keeps salons in business.

We all crave change at some point,. It just happens to some of us more often than others. Not having the option to wear our hair straightened seems confining and limiting to some.

People shy away from the perceived permanence of locks, but what baffles me is the fact that these same people fail to realize that it is the same with relaxed hair.

That is permanent. If you want hair that isn't chemicallly straightened you have to cut it and let it grow out again. Hair color is permanent. The only way to 'undo' that chemical process it to go over it again with more color...or cut it and grow it out again.

And how many of us can really wear every look we see in the magazines?

Most of us settle into the same 2 or 3 hairstyles that are quick and convenient. We only make exceptions on special occasions.

Add that to the fact that everybody's hair won't do like the hair models and actresses and video vixens.

This is true for several reasons. 1) No access to wind machines. 2) No on-call access to celeb stylists. 3) All hair IS NOT created equal. 4) Certain styles will NEVER be acheived by those who choose not to use OPH in the form of weaves or wigs.

SO.... what are we REALLY missing out on? Let's be honest...

The perception that relaxed hair gives you greater freedom and hairstyling choices is actually a HUGE misconception!

Locks aren't for everyone. They weren't for me at a different stage in my life, but I want people to realize that while locking is a commitment and a decision not to be made/taken lightly, one should not shy away from getting them because they are too permanent or will give them less options.

Locks offer more options, not less.

There will be times when they will frustrate you - be prepared for that. But don't give up because of bunching or shrinking. Know that it will happen and give them a chance to grow and mature and get over the rough patches.

My hair is more carefree than it has ever been in my life! I have less daily maintenance now than I did with a TWA!

Now, I can use absolutely NO product and my hair still looks good. I can go 5 or 6 weeks between tightenings (although I don't.)

With a TWA, I had to use conditioners and activators, sometimes gel, just to get it to 'do right'. I had to get it shaped up every THREE weeks....And I still only had the one look...

I too look in the mirror every day and think how much I love my locks...how much I am loving them more and more as the weeks and months go by.

4.19.08

Self-tite Advice

I wrote this post exactly one year ago. It was sitting in my draft box. Today I decided to dust it off and publish it.

Before I started SLs, I was in the salon every other week getting my hair done. I only did it myself if money was TIGHT! So the thought of maintaining my hair myself was overwhelming.

I used to look at ladies I knew who did their own micros and kinky twists with extensions (both of which are time-intensive and require different skills from a blow-dry and curl or wet set for example) and think: I could NEVER do that.

So I really thought I couldn't retighten my own Sisterlocks. The first time I saw my consultant do hers and another client's - it looked like magic to me!

She was so fast it just looked like she touched the tool to the scalp 2 or 3 times and she was done!
It seemed like something I could never learn.

But after 6 months I was ready to try.

I didn't have the money for the class so I bought the nappylocs tool. I read online how to do my pattern - the reverse 4 is super-easy - and just practiced on a few.

The hardest part for me is the same thing that challenges me about twists - if doing your whole head, your arms get tired. The 2nd hardest part - IMO - is not marrying locs and doing the parts you can't see, but you learn what it should feel like with practice.

Clips help keep stray locks out of the way too.

I thought I would HATE self-maintenance, but instead I LOVE it. I do a little every day. That's the other thing I advocate. Spread it out over as long a period of time as you want.

Get over the idea that you have to do it ALL in one day. You don't have to spend hours on it 'til you're tired and frustrated. Do 20 minutes and stop if you want. When I did mine the first time it took over a week.

Now I can go straight through in 2 - 3 days if I wait a few weeks between tightenings, but instead I do 20 or so every couple if days. It's a relaxing activity while watching tv.

Many people are stressing about what to do in anticipation of job loss or moving away from beloved consultants. To those women I say: if I were you, I would try to do it myself before I combined locks or looked into other options. I've been doing my own for a year now and haven't looked back!

Good luck!

A year later ( 2 years into the DIY and a little more than 2.5 years into my lock journey) I am proud to say that I never marry locks anymore even though I never use clips or bands or any sectioning method.

I have started somewhere in the neighborhood of 30 - 50 new locks in the last two years - mostly around my hairline, but some throughout the interior. Oddly enough I keep sprouting mysterious new growth in various places and whenever the fuzzy little coils reach about half an inch I lock them up.

I am actually totally random with my tightening schedule. I call it the madness method. Those of us with SLs have our hands in our hair pretty constantly anyway. I just keep a tool nearby and whenever I feel a lock that needs tightening I do.

I have about 350 locks and on average I tighten 20 - 50 almost every day. My hair grows super fast so I could tighten every day. If I am tired or busy or just plain don't feel like it, I don't.

I don't tighten in sections. I don't tighten the front or the back or the sides. There is literally no order and no pattern. The benefit of the madness method? It makes it easy not to marry locks because I never have a section that is all loose or long.

Consequently my roots are always neat and never puffy. Enough locks on the top and sides are always tight that the loose ones never stand out. Plus I have a wavy curl pattern, so even the long loose locks lay close to my scalp.

Generally speaking I never have to do more than one rotation and tight locks are always next to loose locks, so as I reach up and feel, I never have to wonder which lock I should be working on. It is nearly impossible to marry locks when five in a cluster are all tight and only one is loose.

Some people might hate the ongoing nature of this method, but to me it's like brushing my teeth or taking a shower. It has just become a regular feature of my daily grooming routine. It is still infinitely less time-consuming overall than anything else I ever did before with my hair, so I have absolutely no complaints!

Sometimes I get a little ahead of myself and I reach up and find that all of my locks are firm and none need retightening and I find myself almost disappointed that I will have to wait a day or two for new growth.

Does anyone else tighten daily?

1810 East North Street

What Have I Been Doing?

Taking care of business - that's what!

Here is one of the staging jobs I recently completed.

This room wasn't even in the original MLS pictures. Because of the size – roughly 220 sq ft of floor space, the owners were counting it as a 4th BR, but because of the gabled ceilings it was really difficult to tell how to use it.

The room was very long and narrow, the roofline gave very little headroom and the 'room' was subdivided by a load-bearing structural wall that could not be removed. You could really only stand up or walk down the very center and furniture placement was a challenge.

You walked from one small space with 9 or 10 ft of height at the very center, but absolutely no headroom under the eaves to another smaller compartment with even less headroom. Anyone taller than 5 feet could only stand up in the very center.

I’m only 4’11 and once I walked through the door I could shimmy 6 inches to the right or left before I had to crane my neck and bow my shoulders! It wasn't even practical for storage. Without furniture it was almost certainly perceived as wasted space.

The narrowness and awkward angles in the larger part of the room made it impossible to put a bed anywhere without eating up precious floor space in a room where there were already so few spaces any adult could stand up straight.

I didn't want to sacrifice that valuable real estate by setting up a bed of any size - even a twin mattress or daybed. It would have seemed cramped and jammed under the eaves and still left a question about what to do with the hobbit room in the back.

The homeowner suggested I stage it as an office or playroom for children (ahhh... how I love homeowner suggestions). I told him I would stage the entire space as a 'teen suite retreat'.

Sellers need to understand that staging isn't just about decorating and design. It is also about the psychology of sales and defining purpose and usefulness.

I was reluctant to stage it as a nursery or playroom because the other 3 bedrooms in the house were downstairs and the staircase leading upstairs was narrow and a little tricky. Not completely unsafe, but not where you would want to put your small children out of sight and out of earshot while you went about your daily affairs on the first floor. And there is no way you would want an infant that far removed from the master and main living areas.

I was reluctant to make it an office because that essentially leaves you with a three bedroom house. What if a family with 3 children wanted to buy and they needed separate rooms for all of them and had no use for a home office? If we’re calling it a 4th bedroom, we need to show how it can be used as a bedroom.

Feedback Realtors had gotten prior to staging was that the owners were kidding themselves by calling it a 4th bedroom. Buyers perceived it as well-finished, well-lit, well-carpeted storage space. Somewhere that would be good to stash boxes and X-mas decorations or files – easy access and few insects to worry about.

The problem with that was – the attic had been finished in such a way that there was lots and lots of that under the rest of the eaves and gables throughout the second floor. There was already about 200 sq ft of easily accessible, relatively clean storage space. We needed to show that the room was valuable living space, not storage. The house already had more than enough storage.

The room was simply odd and there were no two ways about it. However, it was adjacent to the bonus/media room and a space that was currently finished as a walk-in closet, but that was wired and plumbed for a 4th bathroom - A project that would be easy enough for the buyers to complete if they chose. So the room made perfect sense as a place for tweens and teens to entertain their friends.

The bonus room was around the corner – perfect for movies and video games. The layout of the upstairs bedroom did not lend itself to a master suite without reconfiguring some walls and raising the roof – which someone may choose to do someday. But there was plenty of room for an adolescent to feel like they had their own space to hang out with friends away from the rest of the family, yet it was not so far removed and isolated that parents would feel uncomfortable with the set-up.

I chose to make the tiny room that you couldn’t stand up in a sleeping alcove. Even though there was no room to walk around, there was enough floor space for a king size bed!



Imagine the cozy private retreat this created for a teenager. It was enough room to have a big comfy bed. There were two small windows through which you could see the sky: day or night, but you could also make it dark for sleeping in on Saturdays and summer mornings!

I envisioned a teen-aged girl lying across the bed talking on the phone, using her laptop, or reading books – although the general concept would work just as well for a boy. The outer area was large enough to accommodate a large screen plasma TV I set up on a coffee table in another windowed nook. There was a funky cheetah print chaise lounge and zebra floor pillows (courtesy of the homeowner). It was almost like having a little studio apartment.

That would have been the coolest room for a young person! When I described it, the homeowners didn’t see my vision. Neither did my business partner or my live-in stager. Everyone was like: if you think that will work…. O-kay…

Then when I finished it they were all excited about how well I executed it. That’s one thing I love about being a stager – the opportunity to make ‘problem’ areas make sense to buyers and sellers alike.

In the end, I don’t know what the buyer will do with the space, but at least I have given them one option they may never have thought of when they saw it empty.

Trying this Again....

195.5

Sigh... This weight loss journey has been a struggle. One of the hardest challenges I have ever faced in my life. Really. For so many reasons, and none of them positive.

I don't even know where to begin to tell the story or if I even want to.

No. I am not undecided. I most definitely do not want to tell the tale, but I am starting over again.

I can hardly believe I started this blog two years ago and that I was so disgusted and fed up with the extra weight then, when it was what? 40 extra lbs? 145 lbs. total? I don't know. I have to look it up.

In any case, I topped out this week at 195.

Yep.

Fifty. Pounds. Later.

I'm 4'11. My Dad is 5'11. We weigh... the same... thing.

I didn't even blog about the day I went into the specialty bra shop (oh, yeah, we're in all new territory now - the girls got waa-aay outta control months ago! They do not carry my size at the local department store or Victoria's Secret.) and the fitting consultant informed me that I needed a 'K' cup.

I knew the 'DDD' wasn't cutting it anymore and I was a-feared I would be in something ridiculous like an 'F' or a 'G'.

Nope. Bypassed them and H, I, and J.

Big breasts run in my family and I was a 'D' and then a 'DD' long before I had a weight problem. It was okay when I still had a 25 inch waist.

I couldn't believe it.

I really don't even want to know what my measurements are now. Not any of them.

I just want to look and feel like myself again. And be able to shop in the petite section and be able to reach for the S and the XS and not the 1X and XXL and actually wonder if they will fit and not be too small. It is a terrible blow to my self-esteem.

Every. Single. Time.

I refuse to get used to this and accept it as my new normal, so I have been really miserable and felt terribly unattractive for the better part of 3 years now, extremely so in the last 18 months.

As bad as I felt before when I was 40 - 50 lbs overweight, I think it is safe to say that I am now officially obese with 85 lbs to lose.

Like I said, we won't even focus on how I got here. I am determined not to look behind, but only to look forward and focus on what I am going to do to rectify this unfortunate situation.

Yesterday I joined a gym and tomorrow I start a new eating plan.

And there is nothing new about either of those things.

I had a gym membership when I began to get fat. In fact, my two year membership was just up in March of this year. Why didn't that work for me? I don't even feel like trying to analyze it.

And the new eating plan?

I've tried fasts and cleanses and Weight Watchers and NutriSystem and Medifast and my own little hobbled-together jack-leg hybrids of diets incorporating shakes and cereals and oatmeal and flax seed and various supplements and teas and frozen entrees by Healthy Choice and Lean Cuisine....

Sigh...

Why didn't those work? Any of them?

....So many reasons, and again, this round of blogs is not going to be about the self-analysis. I'm saving that for my personal handwritten, off-line journal.

So what am I going to post here?

I hope to post my record of success. At the very least I want to record my activity and progress.

Like today. What did I do today?

I went to the gym.

Twice.

I went for a 9 o'clock Body Pump class, which I thoroughly enjoyed. It was my very first session. There are all kinds of claims on the Internet about how many calories you burn in an hour. I've read everything from 250 to 600. I'm going for the low-to-moderate 300.

Hey! It's 300 more than I burned yesterday!

The website says Body Pump "is the fastest way to shape up and lose body fat." That's a bold claim for any routine, product, or system. So I gotta say that I don't believe the hype, but it was fun and I believe it would have to be effective over time.

I started out with really low weights, but I am looking forward to seeing how quickly I gain enough strength to increase them and I'm looking forward to seeing my muscle tone come back as the fat melts away.

I absolutely love group fitness and that's why I re-joined a gym.

I have thirty-five fitness dvds if I have one. Winsor Pilates, Yoga Booty Ballet, Core Rhythms, Turbo Jam, Zumba, etc. And I've done them all. More than once too! More than 5 or 10 times, but there's something about knowing there's a class and scheduling time to show up to work out with a group and a live instructor that really can't be beat. Somehow I need that structure.

I would love to have a personal trainer, but that is not currently in the budget, so group fitness is the next best thing to keep me consistently motivated.

I ran errands (after I came home to shower and rest) and then I went back around 7:30 p.m. and did an hour on the treadmill.

I started out at a moderate 2.8 mph, so as not to overdo it, but I chose a random incline program and was able to keep my heart rate up between 145 and 165, which according to the diagram on the treadmill was the in optimal 75% to 85% I needed to acheive sustained fat-burn.

I covered a total of 2.91 miles including warm-up and cool down and if I can believe the digital readout, I burned 325 calories.

So I possibly burned as much as 625 additional calories today. I wasn't as vigilant about my nutrition as I should have been, but you had better believe that I do not intend to bust my hump at the gym 5 days a week only to undermine my efforts with poor eating habits.

Stay tuned.

Oh, yeah. I'll get around to posting about my hair at some point before the month is over. The 29th is 2.5 years locked! 30 months.

I am never more grateful for Sisterlocks than times when I get caught in a downpour and can go about my business unconcerned, or when I have had a really hard workout and I'm sweating from my scalp - both of which happened today.

All I had to do was come home, wash it in the shower and keep getting up!

Sisterlocks are the best.

Every time I long for my loose nappy hair (which I had been doing more and more of late) I remember the convenience and freedom I now have that cannot be acheived (for me) with any other hairstyle.

Full Figure Fashion

Amen. Because big girls deserve cute clothes that fit!