Monday, September 27, 2010

From the archives....

Like I said, I was reading through my draft box and found some posts that are interesting to me now in light of the changes my life has seen in the last 3 years.

Take this one for example:


So it seems that some of us who are single post almost as much and as often about our single status and our feelings about it as we do about our hair. I have been following the 'Where is my king?' series by locsuluv* and it has inspired me to leave several comments on her blog which turned in to posts of my own, inculding this one.

*(It appears that locsuluv has taken down her blog. I couldn't find her blog or profile to link back to the posts I'm referring to. I don't know what happened to her. If anyone knows, I would appreciate an update. A private note by e-mail would be fine.)

I could identify with several issues she addressed. When I was younger, I didn't stress much about being married or not being married because I assumed it would happen one day, and I assumed that one day would preferably/probably come before my 25th birthday.

It wasn't a goal or a deadline or even a full-fledged expectation, but rather something I just simply thought would come together for me without much effort. I really thought it would just happen.

How hard is it to find someone you love who loves you back with the same devotion and to the same degree?

(Ah the naïveté of youth, right?)

I would be living my life, pursuing my goals and I would meet him, and I would know it was him.

Well, that's not how it happened for me, and I did begin to second guess myself and wonder what I had done wrong.

It is definitely a challenge to be self-sufficient in the way we need to be to take care of ourselves in this world and yet remain open to the possibility of marriage; to be seen as vulnerable enough that a man wants to take care of you without seeming desperate enough that he runs away.

But you also have to be confident enough that you like who you are and competent enough that you are seen as an asset and not a liability in and to his life.

It is a very difficult balance to strike. I am still trying to figure it out. *

*Here I have to say that my husband made this really easy for me simply by being the type of person that he is. He's never made me feel like I have to be more or less than the person that I naturally am. I don't have to pretend to be more or less intelligent, more or less domestic, more or less vulnerable or strong.

He really does love and accept and appreciate me exactly as I am.

I can just be myself and it is enough for him. I can't express how comfortable and safe that makes me feel at the end of every day. Heck! At the beginning. Shoot! All day long....

Can you say: all the happiness I can stand....?

I'm not happy for all of the hurt and disappointment and hard-knock lessons I learned on the way to where I am now. It would have been nice to have found the kind of love I have now 5 years ago or 10. But I do most definitely have greater appreciation for it now than I would have had then.

I know I will work hard to protect this love and nurture it and see that it grows and matures. And I know that I will never take my husband and the love he has for me for granted.

Anyway, back to the original post....

Long ago, before I hit my 25th b-day, I decided I would just live my life the way I always wanted. I would pursue my goals and I would travel and I would focus on being a whole and complete person - by myself, alone, and if I met someone fine and if I didn't fine.

But then I did meet someone. Two someones, in fact. The first one tried to make me change for him and I rebelled against it; but then the second one made me want to change, and so I did.

Long story short (well, it's kind of too late for that...but anyway). I had two back-to-back relationships that took up all of my time and emotional energy between the ages of 24 and 29 and neither of them resulted in marriage.

So, here I am on the eve of my 30th birthday and I am more determined than ever to do what I need to do for me, and to refocus on my goals which include my service and worship.

In fact, I do believe it is necessary and essential for me to put my relationship with God back at the center of my life if I expect to find happiness single or married.


Wow... I remember writing that like it was last week. I was about two months out of a third relationship that I don't even make reference to and barely speak about to this day because it was just crazy. Not crazy-bad like there was non-stop drama.

Crazy like it seemed really, really good up until the day it wasn't and then it just unraveled in about 3 days. It was really strange. Never experienced anything like it before or since and it definitely left me gunshy in subsequent relationships.

After it ended, I was more concerned about my own perception and judgment than of the mindset that men are inherently deceptive and untrustworthy. It was like: wow! How did I misjudge to that degree?

Because the man seemed to be all about me for months and then he was just someone else one day.

He really did say things like: I love you. You're beautiful. I want to marry you.

Constantly. I didn't make that up.

But I don't know. It was still incredibly superficial in hindsight. I keep a journal. And it's funny. Now, with the distance and objectivity of 3 years' time I read and saw all kinds of signs that he was a flake from the get-go.

Especially in comparison to the man who is now my husband, but at the time I was just like: how did this happen? What should I have done differently? Why did he change overnight?

He didn't. He was always one foot out the door. But the foot that was in was all-in. That's what was so mind-bending at the time. He said all the right things, but many of his actions (and lack of actions) were in direct conflict with his words.

And we all know that adage about actions and words...

It was really scary for me while I was dating my now-husband because he said many of the same types of things on roughly the same timeline as Bachelor #3 and I spent the first three months just entirely scared that he was going to flake out on me too or that I was misreading the situation and missing signs that his devotion was shallow.

I was so scared all the time and I told him so on a regular basis.

The difference? Constant verbal reassurances and actions to back them up. .

And I didn't have to ask him for reassurances or ask him to follow-through. He simply did and never seemed annoyed about how often I needed encouragement.

...I'm saying it again. He's awesome!

I feel like some of y'all are just going to stop reading my blog.

I feel like there must be eye-rolling and declarations of: if she says one more thing about how wonderful her man is, I'm quitting this blog.

I know. I know! Y'all didn't come here for this. I need to post something abot my hair, right?

And I really need to take some pictures...

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Too Busy to Style

I was reading this post by Sunshine Sisterlocks and saw a comment I can readily identify with: too busy to style, but thankfully I don't have to!

That has been the story of my life since I started my SLs. I think about the hours I spent straightening my hair or twisting it or getting some form of extensions. And I'm just like: where would I find the time anymore?

I literally never style my hair. I don't curl it or twist it or braid it out. I wash and go all the time.

My style options consist of down, down with a headband or scarf, and up in a bun or ponytail.

I have enough length that I could actually do some pretty fabulous stuff. And occasionally I feel like I should, but somehow I never get around to it.

For months I've been saying I should curl it because it is at sort of a weird layered just-past-my-shoulders length where it should be longer or shorter and now it just sort of hangs.

But I haven't done it yet and I have an itching feeling that by the time I get truly motivated it will probably have grown past this stage.

One of the most wonderful things about Sisterlocks is the freedom to freestyle. I never have to think about what to do with my hair. I don't have to plan around the weather or exercise or money. I retighten myself, so my roots are always neat.

I don't have to worry about humidity or rain or sweat or water. I can go swimming. I can get caught in a downpour. I can let my hair get soaking wet in the shower or bath. I can wash it in the morning before work or worship and let it air dry on the way.

And it looks the same. So liberating...

I wish all black women could experience this freedom at least once in their lives.

As much as I look at loose hair sometimes and wish I could alternate between locks and a fabulous fro or silky smooth straight hair, every time I think of the time freedom I've gained by wearing my hair locked, I just know I'm not going back any time soon.

I will never say never, but most definitely not in the foreseeable future.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

How I Fell Off

If it's been a while since you've stopped by, no doubt you've noticed the design changes as well as all of my recent news. As I was editing and making these changes I reviewed some of my older posts.

I couldn't help but notice how I fell off by half every year since I started. 88 posts in 2007. Granted: I was unemployed and working part-time for a good part of that year, but I also had way more enthusiasm for the novelty of blogging.

Many of my contemporaries who started blogs around the same time don't post at all anymore and I miss them. I suspect that with the current economy lots more people are working longer hours to make ends meet or just generally caught up in the day-to-day.

Also, several have gotten married and started families or added to the families they already had. Blogging becomes as less essential activity and takes an understandable back seat.

36 posts for me in 2008. I actually wrote many more that year; in fact, they are all still sitting in draft limbo. But I purchased my franchise in late 2007 and launched in early 2008. I spent the better part of that year getting my business off the ground. And then, well, the economy tanked in the final quarter. How time-consuming was all of that?

18 posts in 2009. Exactly half. I spent the better part of 2009 trying to keep my head above water as a result of the events of 2008. It was one of the most challenging years of my life for so many reasons.

9 posts in 2010 so far. Half again, although the year is not over and if I keep up the current pace, I will probably match last year's number.

But about my circumstances: In terms of earnings relative to workload - worst year ever in life! I'm just going to go ahead and say it. Shamelessly. Because I know I am not alone. In terms of peace, love and happiness.... best year ever! Because I fell in love with and married my husband who adores me.

2010 will always be a banner year. Pivotal.

I had to give up the franchise and figure out a different career path.... Still working out the details of all that, but I know I will always look back on this year as one where my life began to change for the better and in ways I could not have foreseen at the beginning. And I will continue to be grateful for and happy about all of the good things that have happened to me this year.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

About Me

Someone brought it to my attention over a month ago that I needed to change my About Me info since I am no longer single.

I agreed. It had occurred to me, I just wasn't sure what to say instead. I wanted to pay homage to my original sentiments while accurately reflecting the changes that have occurred in my life since I started the blog 3.5 years ago.

As is the case with many of us locked bloggers, my blog has evolved to be less about my hair and more about my random thoughts and observations, but I hope those who stop by continue to enjoy my musings.

Here's what I came up with ~

The new:

I started this blog as a single girl just trying to make her way in the world. I am now a newlywed trying to navigate my way through this new business of being married. I love my husband dearly; he is very many of the things I always knew I wanted but feared I might never find...

I am still living life, finding fulfillment, and making memories every day...

It is my honest intention to continue detailing my journeys in the hopes that my stories will help others as those who came before have helped and encouraged me. Enjoy!

The old:

I am a single girl just trying to make her way in the world. I am looking for love, but I am not waiting for 'the one' to make my dreams come true.

I am living life, finding fulfillment, and making memories every day...

When I have a question, it has probably already been answered elsewhere. And when I offer opinion, it has probably been said before - but not in my words, or with my voice...

So, I intend to detail my journeys in the hopes that my stories will help others as those who came before have helped and encouraged me. Enjoy!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Crazy Stuff

So... the hubby and I have decided to lease his condo and live elsewhere.

We're doing the usual things. We printed flyers. We posted online.

But we also decided to be a little more proactive and browse the Craigslist 'housing wanted' section for potential tenants. Well... I found this title and had to read!

Sex offenders not all the same

I kid you not!

He goes on to elaborate about why he should be given a chance:

Just because I am a sex offender does not mean I am not normal, can not pay my bills, or am a danger to others. I grew up in incest and continued the cycle. I have since grown up and learned the error of my ways.

Just because I was conditioned to resort to sex to handle my stress and abuse as a child does not mean that I will repeat those same mistakes. For one, I have learned the punishment for engaging in sex crimes and never wish to go back there.

I will pay my rent on time, cause no problems, keep to myself, and will be thankful for being given a chance.

I just want a place to live. I can afford up to $600 a month. I want running water but will consider a cabin if that is my only choice. I would like to stay in the valley, but will consider going to A-. Serious replies only please. Hatemongers and sadists please do not reply.

I guess in a way, he does have a point. Sex offenders need a place to live too, but I couldn't rent to one in my neighborhood in good conscience. It's just one of those things...

Tuesday, September 7, 2010


I really, really want this show to make it.

The early buzz is good. From the trailers it looks very Mr. and Mrs. Smith - which is one of my all-time favorite movies. Whatever you want to say about them in real life, I loved the on-screen chemistry between Brad and Angie.

I love this concept even more - for several reasons. First of all, J.J. Abrams is attached to the project. Need I say more?

Number 2: Boris Kodjoe. Again, no explanation necessary.

But the third thing I love is that J.J. and NBC decided that maybe it's time an African-American married couple can carry a prime-time series that isn't a sitcom. I hope that the show doesn't get lost in the sea of September premieres. And if it is a little slow building and finding an audience, I hope the network gives it time.

I'm going to watch.

I want to see a good-looking, well-dressed, smart and fashionable (not wise-cracking and struggling) AA married couple on TV. Every week.

For clips, interviews and trailers, click here.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Go Girls!

Even though I am no longer single and getting deeper into my thirties with each passing day, I still enjoyed reading this about my slightly younger counterparts.

Single, childless women in their twenties are outearning males in the biggest urban areas.

According to Census stats from 2008, women aged 22 - 30 who are without husband or children earn 8% more than men in the same age group in the top 366 metro areas. Women outearn men in 39 of the 50 biggest cities and match their wages in another 8. Women earn 21% more in Atlanta.

Apparently this is due to the fact that more and more women are going to college after high school. Three-quarters of us, as compared to two-thirds of men. We are also earning more advanced degrees allowing us to command higher salaries.

Check this out: "The trend is especially apparent in cities where minority groups make up more than half the population. Among blacks and Hispanics, women are more than twice as likely as men to earn college degrees."

Now, that can definitely be taken two ways. What social ills are holding our men back? That's another entry I'm not inclined to write, but it's positive to note that minority women are getting it done.

For the complete USA Today article click here.