I did decide to do better and be better all on my very own before I met him. I began taking steps to correct the things that weren't working in my life.
I am steadily losing weight through healthier eating habits and exercise. I am getting organized again. I restructured my business for better work-life balance.
And now, knowing him, loving him is just added motivation to continue cultivating seeds I'd already planted.
I feel so far removed even now from the person I was in December. I experienced a monumental spiritual and emotional growth spurt. A true paradigm shift. I look back now and I still can't believe it. How far I have come in such a short while. But I am happy for it.
Happy that I was ready for him to come into my life.
I do very much feel that we will continue to grow together. He wants all the same things that I do, with the same intensity, to the same degree.
I've never experienced this and neither has he. And both of us have so much appreciation.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Guess Who!
Guess who is in love!
That's right. I am. I am.
I guess sometimes things do fall out of the sky. Feels like that anyway.
I was commiserating with a married friend about my particular set of needs, wants and desires and how I know that I am a singular individual. I am not what every man wants and it's not a self-esteem issue, believe me.
In spite of some of the things I said in the previous post and my ongoing struggles with my weight, I like the person that I am. I stand by the choices that I've made, but there are things that I want and don't want in a life partner and it's a unique combination. For example: I want someone with strong family values, but I don't want to have children of my own. I want someone with strong religious convictions who is also liberal and tolerant of the beliefs of others.
I want someone who celebrates and supports my independent nature who will also understand my vulnerability and therefore not belittle me for needing him desperately even though most of the time I will pretend that I don't. I want him to never call me out on this. (That one alone is a tall order and I know it!)
I know that I am a study in contradictions and I live with daily ambivalence about most things. I am extremely quirky and hard-to-read. On and on my list goes like so.
So...
I am a flavor that is not for everyone, and indeed not for most.
And so...
As you all read, I was pretty well resigned to being alone for the next long while.
It was to be a time for sorting things out within myself.
Little did I know what was in store for me. And whether it came from God or The Universe, I still can't say. I only know that he is here with me now.
I was telling my friend what I wanted and how I know it is unlikely that I will find him.
It has been a recurring theme, but this time a solution presented itself.
He's a professional, self-employed, like me. Not divorced, no baby mama drama. And not a jerk or a playboy. Not emotionally stunted or socially inept. Just a really sweet guy with all of the very same values looking for love. And marriage.
None of that let's-keep-this-open-and-see-where-it-goes crap I bought into in my 20's. I was all for it then. It wasn't forced on me and merely tolerated. I was admittedly something of a commitment-phobe myself. I'll be the first to say it.
However this is different. Because we both knew from the start that we each wanted a real, grown-up relationship, we didn't play any games at all. We had the hard conversations first - about children and exes and debt and emotional baggage. If we'd run into a dealbreaker, it would have been easier to break it off then, but we didn't and, simultaneously, we also had the fun conversations about where our lives are headed and what's important to us - favorite movies and books!
Yes! Books! He reads! That's huge in my world! He is well-read and honestly he is the smartest man I have ever dated. I think he may just be a genius.
If I do say so myself, I have a very large vocabulary and he uses words that I don't know.* (Well, not really... there was just the one word, the one time, but still - that never happens!)
*And not in that condescending I'm-just-going-to-use-random-big-words-to-make-myself-seem-smart way that annoys me. It really is just the way that he thinks.
He teaches me things, so I find it easy to look up to him and follow him and yet he always makes me feel as if he needs me too and just as much as I need him, if not more.
It's wonderful. He's wonderful! And he thinks I'm wonderful too! And beautiful and gorgeous and smart and amazing!
And he tells me so.
All the time.
He fell in love with me rather instantly and never felt the need to pretend like he didn't. That in and of itself put him in a class by himself.
It has not been very long in the grand scheme and we are not engaged, but he has repeatedly told me that I am The One for him. We have not yet met each other's families (only because of scheduling and logistics), but he knows that I will fit in perfectly with his family and he assured me that they will love me as much as he does and I believe him.
I feel the same way about him.
It has been a true whirlwind romance - thrilling, exciting, and scary all at once, but I wouldn't trade it.
In the interest of good judgment, we are letting things progress a little more slowly from here because we do both believe that marriage should not be entered into lightly because it should also be for life. Neither one of us wants to do this more than once. And much as we do want a common future, we have our very separate lives that will not easily be blended into one.
But I am so happy we've gotten to know each other.
Even though I felt like I was not ready for love and I still feel like there is much room for self-improvement, I know that I can be a better person with him, for him and because of him.
Sigh....
There are still many more things we must learn - questions to be asked and answered - and some things that can only be observed and proven with the passage of time, but I just had to share!
More to come...
That's right. I am. I am.
I guess sometimes things do fall out of the sky. Feels like that anyway.
I was commiserating with a married friend about my particular set of needs, wants and desires and how I know that I am a singular individual. I am not what every man wants and it's not a self-esteem issue, believe me.
In spite of some of the things I said in the previous post and my ongoing struggles with my weight, I like the person that I am. I stand by the choices that I've made, but there are things that I want and don't want in a life partner and it's a unique combination. For example: I want someone with strong family values, but I don't want to have children of my own. I want someone with strong religious convictions who is also liberal and tolerant of the beliefs of others.
I want someone who celebrates and supports my independent nature who will also understand my vulnerability and therefore not belittle me for needing him desperately even though most of the time I will pretend that I don't. I want him to never call me out on this. (That one alone is a tall order and I know it!)
I know that I am a study in contradictions and I live with daily ambivalence about most things. I am extremely quirky and hard-to-read. On and on my list goes like so.
So...
I am a flavor that is not for everyone, and indeed not for most.
And so...
As you all read, I was pretty well resigned to being alone for the next long while.
It was to be a time for sorting things out within myself.
Little did I know what was in store for me. And whether it came from God or The Universe, I still can't say. I only know that he is here with me now.
I was telling my friend what I wanted and how I know it is unlikely that I will find him.
It has been a recurring theme, but this time a solution presented itself.
He's a professional, self-employed, like me. Not divorced, no baby mama drama. And not a jerk or a playboy. Not emotionally stunted or socially inept. Just a really sweet guy with all of the very same values looking for love. And marriage.
None of that let's-keep-this-open-and-see-where-it-goes crap I bought into in my 20's. I was all for it then. It wasn't forced on me and merely tolerated. I was admittedly something of a commitment-phobe myself. I'll be the first to say it.
However this is different. Because we both knew from the start that we each wanted a real, grown-up relationship, we didn't play any games at all. We had the hard conversations first - about children and exes and debt and emotional baggage. If we'd run into a dealbreaker, it would have been easier to break it off then, but we didn't and, simultaneously, we also had the fun conversations about where our lives are headed and what's important to us - favorite movies and books!
Yes! Books! He reads! That's huge in my world! He is well-read and honestly he is the smartest man I have ever dated. I think he may just be a genius.
If I do say so myself, I have a very large vocabulary and he uses words that I don't know.* (Well, not really... there was just the one word, the one time, but still - that never happens!)
*And not in that condescending I'm-just-going-to-use-random-big-words-to-make-myself-seem-smart way that annoys me. It really is just the way that he thinks.
He teaches me things, so I find it easy to look up to him and follow him and yet he always makes me feel as if he needs me too and just as much as I need him, if not more.
It's wonderful. He's wonderful! And he thinks I'm wonderful too! And beautiful and gorgeous and smart and amazing!
And he tells me so.
All the time.
He fell in love with me rather instantly and never felt the need to pretend like he didn't. That in and of itself put him in a class by himself.
It has not been very long in the grand scheme and we are not engaged, but he has repeatedly told me that I am The One for him. We have not yet met each other's families (only because of scheduling and logistics), but he knows that I will fit in perfectly with his family and he assured me that they will love me as much as he does and I believe him.
I feel the same way about him.
It has been a true whirlwind romance - thrilling, exciting, and scary all at once, but I wouldn't trade it.
In the interest of good judgment, we are letting things progress a little more slowly from here because we do both believe that marriage should not be entered into lightly because it should also be for life. Neither one of us wants to do this more than once. And much as we do want a common future, we have our very separate lives that will not easily be blended into one.
But I am so happy we've gotten to know each other.
Even though I felt like I was not ready for love and I still feel like there is much room for self-improvement, I know that I can be a better person with him, for him and because of him.
Sigh....
There are still many more things we must learn - questions to be asked and answered - and some things that can only be observed and proven with the passage of time, but I just had to share!
More to come...
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