Why Am I Still Single?

Thankfully, I harbor no delusions about why I am not currently in a relationship.

I do not believe that my one and only soulmate is out there and I can't find him or he can't find me. I do not believe that God has not yet allowed him to cross my path.

I am not frontin' and tellin' myself and others how wonderful I am and how disappointed I am that no one is able to recognize the fabulousness that is me.

I know that nothing falls out of the sky....

I am not telling myself it is because all of the good ones are taken or gay. They are not in jail, too poor, uneducated or intimidated by my success and/or intelligence.

It is not because I am too busy, nor is it because I am fat.

Fat people fall in love every day.

Fat people get married every day.

Crazy people do. Busy people do. Ugly people do. Broke people do. I could go on.

People in every class of unattractiveness and dysfunction (physical, emotional, spiritual, and financial) find love and commitment and some level of happiness (however fleeting) in relationships - all the time.

People with low expectations do. People with high expectations do. People with no expectations do...

I know that nothing falls out of the sky....

So whether or not I am worthy or feel worthy or feel pretty and attractive isn't really at the heart of it. It is not about my work-life balance or lack thereof. Or my financial stability or lack thereof. Or the current state of my spirituality, etc...

All are factors in how I feel about starting and maintaining a relationship, but none of these things is what is really holding me back.

Am I ready for love? Am I ready for marriage?

I look inside myself and I know that I am not. In so many ways. And because I know that I am not ready, I am not even trying. In any sense of the word.

I know that nothing falls out of the sky....

I refuse to make excuses. I readily admit that I am not trying to look beautiful. I am not trying to prove that I am nurturing or supportive. I am not trying to project the right amounts of confidence and vulnerability. I am not even trying to go places where I will meet good men. I am not trying to make myself available to the good men I already know.

I do believe in the principle of the law of attraction.



Anybody remember the india.arie song "Butterfly"?

If you want a butterfly/You've got to be a butterfly

Truer words were never spoken.

If you put turnips in the ground/You won't get harvest grapes

You are what you attract/And this is nature's way

It's not that I don't like who I am now. I do really truly love myself and where my life is headed. But I am not there yet. And even though I am not sure what 'there' is; I do know that I will recognize when I am more assuredly on the path to the success that I am meant to have and the life that I am meant to live...

I am not a complete mess. I am not overly needy, an emotional wreck, carrying all kinds of baggage and/or to' up from da flo' up, but I am just not there yet.

I know that I am not who I want to be. I understand and wholeheartedly believe that I will always be a work in progress, so I am not waiting for perfection or some unreasonably lofty goals and aspirations to be met.

I just know and believe that who I would attract now (although that man might be fine for the moment) is not going to be the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

And why bother getting myself so entangled? Better...easier...all around more productive to focus on being the person I want to become.

I've got to let myself grow...

And I am okay with being alone in the interim.

I thought a lot about this when I reread my letter to an old boyfriend before posting it.

I have alluded to things that I learned as a result of our relationship and things that went wrong within it before. But rereading the post reminded me how often I reflect on him and us and our relationship and how often I am glad that our marriage did not come to pass.

Our relationship and my happiness was very 'of the moment.' The entire time I was with him, I knew - knew - that the things I liked about us and being with him were not in line with the goals I had for the rest of my life.

For some reason I had it in my mind and on my heart that I had to be married before I was thirty or else I never would be. And even though I wasn't really ready and didn't particularly want to marry him, I knew that I did not want to be single for the rest of my life or throughout my thirties and somehow I managed to convince myself that he was my last, best chance.

How silly was that?

Angry as I was with him at the time, I realize now what a favor he did me.

He also did me a great disservice by asking me to marry him when he really didn't mean it, but ultimately he made up for it when he was honest enough to say that he did not love me enough to make it forever.

I would still have more respect for him today if he had said it sooner and without prompting from me.

But the bottom line is this: we are both free to find real love because we did not marry each other. And I am so grateful for that fact I cannot hold a grudge.

Letter to an Old Boyfriend

You know who you are:

First, let me say before everything that I am never sorry that we are not together. Going our separate ways was the very best thing.

I am only ever upset that I did not leave you sooner. (That's not actually the only thing that upsets me when I think about it, but it's always the main thing.)

You were so not good for me.

I am not better for having been with you. I am not better for having loved you.

Only wiser and more experienced in what not to do. What signs to look for the next time around. What pitfalls to avoid.

Deciding to leave you was hard. I don't know how you tell it, if you tell it; whether you say I broke up with you, you broke up with me or it was mutual.

It's hard to say, really.

Our relationship started to unravel and disintegrate because you stopped participating, showing up, being involved. You checked out. You went emotionally AWOL.

But it ended because I called you on it, and you were unwilling and unable to change. (Yes, I am convinced it was both.)

I want you to know that when I think of it now, I am never ever sorry it ended. (Not sorry it started either, because we did have some really good times.) Just sorry I didn't walk away sooner and with more of my self-confidence intact.

I never loved you in a way that was blind to your faults. I saw them all and I loved you anyway. I loved you anyway because I believed that you could be a better man and I loved you anyway because to me you were good enough, perfectly fine, and just simply wonderful exactly as you were.

I look back now and I see that you weren't so special - that's just the way I love.

I think it's the only way you can love a person for life: to see their faults and love them any way. It's the only way you can keep trying, keep forgiving, keep perservering through all disappointments.

You have to forgive a person their shortcomings, overlook their faults as you know they overlook yours...know there are things they are not good at, but have respect for them any way.

There was a time when I believed that's what we had, but the moment I realized that we didn't, it was easy to walk away. Not that it didn't still hurt. Not that I didn't feel rejected, but I can honestly say that I have no regrets.

From the Archives 6.14.08

I Love a Good Bra, But....

When you call your creation 'the most innovative bra ever' you are just asking for criticism - especially when the innovation seems to be a series of differect strap configurations all of which we've seen before and which may or may not provide adequate support for those of us with real breasts.



I found this article entertaining all the same. Much like the one on bras for bros a while back....

Sisterlocks Boredom

Another post from the archives. Written 4.19.08.

From time to time all of us comment on the fact that we are bored with our Sisterlocks and we need a change.

A friend of a friend recently cut her sisterlocks down to a TWA after 3 years...which I can't imagine...Maybe it is just a hairstyle for some folks, and not the life-altering path to freedom and self-love it is to others.

No judgments either way.

I was also reading the Hair Affairs e-zine that was delivered to my inbox today. There is an article inside that talks about how there are good days and bad days and times along the way when you will get bored with them and tired of them.

I wonder why people are so surprised about that fact. Is that unique to locking? I don't think so.

Women of all races and hair textures get bored with their hair. That's why the beauty industry makes so much money off of styling products and hair color. That's what keeps salons in business.

We all crave change at some point,. It just happens to some of us more often than others. Not having the option to wear our hair straightened seems confining and limiting to some.

People shy away from the perceived permanence of locks, but what baffles me is the fact that these same people fail to realize that it is the same with relaxed hair.

That is permanent. If you want hair that isn't chemicallly straightened you have to cut it and let it grow out again. Hair color is permanent. The only way to 'undo' that chemical process it to go over it again with more color...or cut it and grow it out again.

And how many of us can really wear every look we see in the magazines?

Most of us settle into the same 2 or 3 hairstyles that are quick and convenient. We only make exceptions on special occasions.

Add that to the fact that everybody's hair won't do like the hair models and actresses and video vixens.

This is true for several reasons. 1) No access to wind machines. 2) No on-call access to celeb stylists. 3) All hair IS NOT created equal. 4) Certain styles will NEVER be acheived by those who choose not to use OPH in the form of weaves or wigs.

SO.... what are we REALLY missing out on? Let's be honest...

The perception that relaxed hair gives you greater freedom and hairstyling choices is actually a HUGE misconception!

Locks aren't for everyone. They weren't for me at a different stage in my life, but I want people to realize that while locking is a commitment and a decision not to be made/taken lightly, one should not shy away from getting them because they are too permanent or will give them less options.

Locks offer more options, not less.

There will be times when they will frustrate you - be prepared for that. But don't give up because of bunching or shrinking. Know that it will happen and give them a chance to grow and mature and get over the rough patches.

My hair is more carefree than it has ever been in my life! I have less daily maintenance now than I did with a TWA!

Now, I can use absolutely NO product and my hair still looks good. I can go 5 or 6 weeks between tightenings (although I don't.)

With a TWA, I had to use conditioners and activators, sometimes gel, just to get it to 'do right'. I had to get it shaped up every THREE weeks....And I still only had the one look...

I too look in the mirror every day and think how much I love my locks...how much I am loving them more and more as the weeks and months go by.

4.19.08