Monday, December 14, 2009

Why Am I Still Single?

Thankfully, I harbor no delusions about why I am not currently in a relationship.

I do not believe that my one and only soulmate is out there and I can't find him or he can't find me. I do not believe that God has not yet allowed him to cross my path.

I am not frontin' and tellin' myself and others how wonderful I am and how disappointed I am that no one is able to recognize the fabulousness that is me.

I know that nothing falls out of the sky....

I am not telling myself it is because all of the good ones are taken or gay. They are not in jail, too poor, uneducated or intimidated by my success and/or intelligence.

It is not because I am too busy, nor is it because I am fat.

Fat people fall in love every day.

Fat people get married every day.

Crazy people do. Busy people do. Ugly people do. Broke people do. I could go on.

People in every class of unattractiveness and dysfunction (physical, emotional, spiritual, and financial) find love and commitment and some level of happiness (however fleeting) in relationships - all the time.

People with low expectations do. People with high expectations do. People with no expectations do...

I know that nothing falls out of the sky....

So whether or not I am worthy or feel worthy or feel pretty and attractive isn't really at the heart of it. It is not about my work-life balance or lack thereof. Or my financial stability or lack thereof. Or the current state of my spirituality, etc...

All are factors in how I feel about starting and maintaining a relationship, but none of these things is what is really holding me back.

Am I ready for love? Am I ready for marriage?

I look inside myself and I know that I am not. In so many ways. And because I know that I am not ready, I am not even trying. In any sense of the word.

I know that nothing falls out of the sky....

I refuse to make excuses. I readily admit that I am not trying to look beautiful. I am not trying to prove that I am nurturing or supportive. I am not trying to project the right amounts of confidence and vulnerability. I am not even trying to go places where I will meet good men. I am not trying to make myself available to the good men I already know.

I do believe in the principle of the law of attraction.

Anybody remember the india.arie song "Butterfly"?

If you want a butterfly/You've got to be a butterfly

Truer words were never spoken.

If you put turnips in the ground/You won't get harvest grapes

You are what you attract/And this is nature's way

It's not that I don't like who I am now. I do really truly love myself and where my life is headed. But I am not there yet. And even though I am not sure what 'there' is; I do know that I will recognize when I am more assuredly on the path to the success that I am meant to have and the life that I am meant to live...

I am not a complete mess. I am not overly needy, an emotional wreck, carrying all kinds of baggage and/or to' up from da flo' up, but I am just not there yet.

I know that I am not who I want to be. I understand and wholeheartedly believe that I will always be a work in progress, so I am not waiting for perfection or some unreasonably lofty goals and aspirations to be met.

I just know and believe that who I would attract now (although that man might be fine for the moment) is not going to be the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

And why bother getting myself so entangled? Better...easier...all around more productive to focus on being the person I want to become.

I've got to let myself grow...

And I am okay with being alone in the interim.

I thought a lot about this when I reread my letter to an old boyfriend before posting it.

I have alluded to things that I learned as a result of our relationship and things that went wrong within it before. But rereading the post reminded me how often I reflect on him and us and our relationship and how often I am glad that our marriage did not come to pass.

Our relationship and my happiness was very 'of the moment.' The entire time I was with him, I knew - knew - that the things I liked about us and being with him were not in line with the goals I had for the rest of my life.

For some reason I had it in my mind and on my heart that I had to be married before I was thirty or else I never would be. And even though I wasn't really ready and didn't particularly want to marry him, I knew that I did not want to be single for the rest of my life or throughout my thirties and somehow I managed to convince myself that he was my last, best chance.

How silly was that?

Angry as I was with him at the time, I realize now what a favor he did me.

He also did me a great disservice by asking me to marry him when he really didn't mean it, but ultimately he made up for it when he was honest enough to say that he did not love me enough to make it forever.

I would still have more respect for him today if he had said it sooner and without prompting from me.

But the bottom line is this: we are both free to find real love because we did not marry each other. And I am so grateful for that fact I cannot hold a grudge.


Cashana said...

Good post. I should blog about why I am single at 40, maybe not. I am happy right now and that is all that matters. It is good to be introspective at times, makes one stronger.

N'Joi ... naturally...x said...

Hey Black Russian
I read your previous post last night and was touched and amazed by the truth in you, from the paragraph '...I never loved you in a way ...' onwards was brilliant. That is where your answer lies... what you have and who you are is not for just any man, look at it as a blood type thing, trust me, a mismatch in blood types during a transfusion will surely kill you, just like being married to the wrong man at the wrong time for the wrong reasons for when it happens and readiness ... well I believe that the rain falls on the just and the unjust, time and chance happen to them all.
reflection is a good thing, like forgiveness, it sets you free. :o)
BTW loving your locks :)N'joi

muslimahlocs said...

spot on. we should be thankful for the lessons that we learned and prepare ourselves to be our best selves so that when and if someone worthy comes along...we will be ready. all the best to you.

Helga said...

Girrrll! Consider remembering the interest and fascination in meeting new people all the time. Not a partner, but an interesting new person. Walk around with a funny joke in mind, a smile on your face, and be open to meeting people, having fun, and staying focused on what makes you smile and feel fulfilled. Being single is the time to think about what our needs and interests are, and pursuing them. Good luck.

RedDredPrincess said...

Oh, I am soooo feeling you on this I struggle with this from time to time (some times more than others) My thinking is this, and sometimes need to remind myself of this when I forget, I would not want to be married or in a long term relationship with someone who was not right for me. The person who I am meant to be with is out there but there is no timeline on when I will find him. My aunt got married at 57 and is very happy. I am more likely to find someone I am compatible with by doing the things I enjoy. Who knows when and where I will find that person, but at least I will have fun doing it!

Very well written! Happy New Year!

Anonymous said...

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