My First Relaxer

In spite of the fact that I have such fast-growing hair, I have not had long hair since I was 5. I was and still am extremely tender-headed. You can imagine what struggles my mother and I had when I was little with a head full of thick curly hair that was past my shoulders. So, out of frustration, she took me up the street to get my first kiddie perm.

I distinctly remember not wanting one. I had an aversion to the smells in the shop and the salon lady was mean. My mother actually didn't make me get one that day.

But then, it was soon time to wash and style my hair again and we went through the struggles and she promised me that if I got a perm then it wouldn't hurt anymore when she tried to comb it after a wash.

And she promised that if I didn't like it, I never had to get another one.

So, we made a deal. Of course I didn't understand the concept of new growth and that even if I never got another one it was still a permanent change to all the hair that was on my head. And I could not think forward in time and know the problems that would result from having two textures of hair. But I don't feel bad about that. I was 5 and there are adults who still don't get that concept.

I'm telling y'all... My hair is fine and soft...but sometimes it fronts like it is tight and kinky. (I don't even understand...like rappers who grew up in the suburbs, but front like they're hardcore from the streets...not namin' names or nuthin'...)

So it was one of them days when I got my first relaxer. And the stylist decided that I needed, not a kiddie perm, but a super perm, and that she wasn't going to leave it on for 5 minutes or 10 minutes, but for 20.

I told her it was burning and she said, "It's supposed to. That means it's working."

I said , "This hurts!" She said, "Stop whining!"

I started to cry. She called me a spoiled brat.

Now, I know you must be wondering where my mother was.

Like I said, this shop was literally a few blocks from our house in D.C. and we walked there. She was there for the application and the first few minutes and everything seemed to be under control, so she went next door to shop for a few minutes. It couldn't have been more than 10.

When she returned I was in tears in the sink chair getting the relaxer washed out...along with clumps of my pretty thick hair...

I told her what happened and she told that lady off like I have never seen! But the damage was done.

My hair had to be cut to just above my shoulders and she gave me a surprisingly cute style and of course we didn't pay...but later that day my scalp started to ooze pus from the chemical burns I received and the next morning I woke up with scabs all over. My hair was glued to my head in places.

All my mother could do was brush it back in a ponytail.

So after my first relaxer, we still couldn't comb through my hair until the scabs healed. By that time I had an inch of new growth and two textures and it was still a struggle. Isn't that ironic?

I don't blame my mother. She couldn't have known that would happen. She was doing the best she knew how at the time.

Needless to say I didn't get another relaxer for years.

But when you have trauma to your hair and scalp like that, the hair continues to break off from the ends and to fall from the scalp in patches for months. And even the new growth comes in weak and sickly. I thought my hair would never be right.

Technically, I had my first BC when I was 6. My mother decided to just start over!

After that, it was decided for me that my hair would stay short to medium. It was always about ear-length to just above my shoulders. I was told that when I could do it myself, I could grow it longer. That I didn't like, but what could I do? It was preferable to fighting with my mother about the hot comb or braiding or the box kit relaxer or whatever was the thing to do at the moment.

By the time I did start doing my own hair around the age of 13, there were so many cute hair cuts to try. Y'all remember, short hair, asymmetry, and the Halle Berry were in during the early 90's.

I liked shorter hair. It looks good on me. And I like change. Because my hair does grow so quickly, I never had any reservations about cutting it short (or trying new colors or chemical processes) because I knew it would grow back. I can go from twa to shoulder length layers in a year. So, I tried a lot of different styles during my teenage years, some of which were damaging and required me to start over completely.

I've lost track of the number of times I did that.

Even after I went natural I still periodically tried texturizers and softeners and silkeners in efforts to loosen and control my curl. I have said before that I have several different curl patterns on my head (as most of us do). I was on a quest to bring some sort of uniformity and predictability to them.

I'm here to tell you. Chemicals are not the answer. I never used chemicals - no matter how mild or gentle or 'natural' they claimed to be - that didn't fry my scalp and take my hair out at worst...And at best, they would leave my hair stripped and fragile and thin and limp. Which condition I couldn't abide, not after having known the fullness and thickness and body and bounce of my natural hair.

Renea called me impatient. (And it's okay, I take no offense.)

One reason I have not had long hair is the string of unfortunate encounters with chemicals (including hair color...I'm gonna try to find the pics where my hair was yellow, red and orange like Kelis.) But the other reason I have never had long hair in my life is my own impatience. I get impatient while growing it out and decide I will cut it. Color and cuts are the most instant changes you can make.

So one or the other would always get me. I would either get desperate for change and cut it. Or I would try something new with color or straighteners and it would break off. And so...my hair has not been past my shoulders in 25 years...

And I see this as my opportunity to learn to exercise patience and discipline with regards to growing my hair out. It is not so much that I want to have long hair swinging down my back. (Although I do love the look of long locks!) It is more about proving to myself that I can do it. It is a challenge to myself.

I have promised myself that never again will I resort/revert to chemicals to manage/style/straighten my hair. And for the next few years I will not cut it. I have never in my life gone more than 1 year without making a drastic cut of anywhere from 4 - 6 inches, or put myself in the position of having to pick a length and stay there while test patches that broke off caught up with the rest. (Thank goodness for high-density hair! I was always able to conceal the breakage quite well. No one ever knew but me and my stylist.)

So, there you have it, another installment of my personal hair story.