Awww....

Well, UnderCovers got the ax.


There is lots of speculation about why. Of course it has and will come up time and again that a minority couple can't carry a Primetime series that isn't a comedy.

But I liked this article and the breakdown that was given.

Unfortunately, this may have set us back. Who knows how long it will be before a network or producer takes a chance on headlining with an AA couple again?

Ah well...

From the archives....

Like I said, I was reading through my draft box and found some posts that are interesting to me now in light of the changes my life has seen in the last 3 years.

Take this one for example:

7.27.07

So it seems that some of us who are single post almost as much and as often about our single status and our feelings about it as we do about our hair. I have been following the 'Where is my king?' series by locsuluv* and it has inspired me to leave several comments on her blog which turned in to posts of my own, inculding this one.

*(It appears that locsuluv has taken down her blog. I couldn't find her blog or profile to link back to the posts I'm referring to. I don't know what happened to her. If anyone knows, I would appreciate an update. A private note by e-mail would be fine.)

I could identify with several issues she addressed. When I was younger, I didn't stress much about being married or not being married because I assumed it would happen one day, and I assumed that one day would preferably/probably come before my 25th birthday.

It wasn't a goal or a deadline or even a full-fledged expectation, but rather something I just simply thought would come together for me without much effort. I really thought it would just happen.

How hard is it to find someone you love who loves you back with the same devotion and to the same degree?

(Ah the naïveté of youth, right?)

I would be living my life, pursuing my goals and I would meet him, and I would know it was him.

Well, that's not how it happened for me, and I did begin to second guess myself and wonder what I had done wrong.

It is definitely a challenge to be self-sufficient in the way we need to be to take care of ourselves in this world and yet remain open to the possibility of marriage; to be seen as vulnerable enough that a man wants to take care of you without seeming desperate enough that he runs away.

But you also have to be confident enough that you like who you are and competent enough that you are seen as an asset and not a liability in and to his life.

It is a very difficult balance to strike. I am still trying to figure it out. *

*Here I have to say that my husband made this really easy for me simply by being the type of person that he is. He's never made me feel like I have to be more or less than the person that I naturally am. I don't have to pretend to be more or less intelligent, more or less domestic, more or less vulnerable or strong.

He really does love and accept and appreciate me exactly as I am.

I can just be myself and it is enough for him. I can't express how comfortable and safe that makes me feel at the end of every day. Heck! At the beginning. Shoot! All day long....

Can you say: all the happiness I can stand....?

I'm not happy for all of the hurt and disappointment and hard-knock lessons I learned on the way to where I am now. It would have been nice to have found the kind of love I have now 5 years ago or 10. But I do most definitely have greater appreciation for it now than I would have had then.

I know I will work hard to protect this love and nurture it and see that it grows and matures. And I know that I will never take my husband and the love he has for me for granted.

Anyway, back to the original post....

Long ago, before I hit my 25th b-day, I decided I would just live my life the way I always wanted. I would pursue my goals and I would travel and I would focus on being a whole and complete person - by myself, alone, and if I met someone fine and if I didn't fine.

But then I did meet someone. Two someones, in fact. The first one tried to make me change for him and I rebelled against it; but then the second one made me want to change, and so I did.

Long story short (well, it's kind of too late for that...but anyway). I had two back-to-back relationships that took up all of my time and emotional energy between the ages of 24 and 29 and neither of them resulted in marriage.

So, here I am on the eve of my 30th birthday and I am more determined than ever to do what I need to do for me, and to refocus on my goals which include my service and worship.

In fact, I do believe it is necessary and essential for me to put my relationship with God back at the center of my life if I expect to find happiness single or married.

9.27.07

Wow... I remember writing that like it was last week. I was about two months out of a third relationship that I don't even make reference to and barely speak about to this day because it was just crazy. Not crazy-bad like there was non-stop drama.

Crazy like it seemed really, really good up until the day it wasn't and then it just unraveled in about 3 days. It was really strange. Never experienced anything like it before or since and it definitely left me gunshy in subsequent relationships.

After it ended, I was more concerned about my own perception and judgment than of the mindset that men are inherently deceptive and untrustworthy. It was like: wow! How did I misjudge to that degree?

Because the man seemed to be all about me for months and then he was just someone else one day.

He really did say things like: I love you. You're beautiful. I want to marry you.

Constantly. I didn't make that up.

But I don't know. It was still incredibly superficial in hindsight. I keep a journal. And it's funny. Now, with the distance and objectivity of 3 years' time I read and saw all kinds of signs that he was a flake from the get-go.

Especially in comparison to the man who is now my husband, but at the time I was just like: how did this happen? What should I have done differently? Why did he change overnight?

He didn't. He was always one foot out the door. But the foot that was in was all-in. That's what was so mind-bending at the time. He said all the right things, but many of his actions (and lack of actions) were in direct conflict with his words.

And we all know that adage about actions and words...

It was really scary for me while I was dating my now-husband because he said many of the same types of things on roughly the same timeline as Bachelor #3 and I spent the first three months just entirely scared that he was going to flake out on me too or that I was misreading the situation and missing signs that his devotion was shallow.

I was so scared all the time and I told him so on a regular basis.

The difference? Constant verbal reassurances and actions to back them up. .

And I didn't have to ask him for reassurances or ask him to follow-through. He simply did and never seemed annoyed about how often I needed encouragement.

...I'm saying it again. He's awesome!

I feel like some of y'all are just going to stop reading my blog.

I feel like there must be eye-rolling and declarations of: if she says one more thing about how wonderful her man is, I'm quitting this blog.

I know. I know! Y'all didn't come here for this. I need to post something abot my hair, right?

And I really need to take some pictures...

Too Busy to Style

I was reading this post by Sunshine Sisterlocks and saw a comment I can readily identify with: too busy to style, but thankfully I don't have to!

That has been the story of my life since I started my SLs. I think about the hours I spent straightening my hair or twisting it or getting some form of extensions. And I'm just like: where would I find the time anymore?

I literally never style my hair. I don't curl it or twist it or braid it out. I wash and go all the time.

My style options consist of down, down with a headband or scarf, and up in a bun or ponytail.

I have enough length that I could actually do some pretty fabulous stuff. And occasionally I feel like I should, but somehow I never get around to it.

For months I've been saying I should curl it because it is at sort of a weird layered just-past-my-shoulders length where it should be longer or shorter and now it just sort of hangs.

But I haven't done it yet and I have an itching feeling that by the time I get truly motivated it will probably have grown past this stage.

One of the most wonderful things about Sisterlocks is the freedom to freestyle. I never have to think about what to do with my hair. I don't have to plan around the weather or exercise or money. I retighten myself, so my roots are always neat.

I don't have to worry about humidity or rain or sweat or water. I can go swimming. I can get caught in a downpour. I can let my hair get soaking wet in the shower or bath. I can wash it in the morning before work or worship and let it air dry on the way.

And it looks the same. So liberating...

I wish all black women could experience this freedom at least once in their lives.

As much as I look at loose hair sometimes and wish I could alternate between locks and a fabulous fro or silky smooth straight hair, every time I think of the time freedom I've gained by wearing my hair locked, I just know I'm not going back any time soon.

I will never say never, but most definitely not in the foreseeable future.

How I Fell Off

If it's been a while since you've stopped by, no doubt you've noticed the design changes as well as all of my recent news. As I was editing and making these changes I reviewed some of my older posts.

I couldn't help but notice how I fell off by half every year since I started. 88 posts in 2007. Granted: I was unemployed and working part-time for a good part of that year, but I also had way more enthusiasm for the novelty of blogging.

Many of my contemporaries who started blogs around the same time don't post at all anymore and I miss them. I suspect that with the current economy lots more people are working longer hours to make ends meet or just generally caught up in the day-to-day.

Also, several have gotten married and started families or added to the families they already had. Blogging becomes as less essential activity and takes an understandable back seat.

36 posts for me in 2008. I actually wrote many more that year; in fact, they are all still sitting in draft limbo. But I purchased my franchise in late 2007 and launched in early 2008. I spent the better part of that year getting my business off the ground. And then, well, the economy tanked in the final quarter. How time-consuming was all of that?

18 posts in 2009. Exactly half. I spent the better part of 2009 trying to keep my head above water as a result of the events of 2008. It was one of the most challenging years of my life for so many reasons.

9 posts in 2010 so far. Half again, although the year is not over and if I keep up the current pace, I will probably match last year's number.

But about my circumstances: In terms of earnings relative to workload - worst year ever in life! I'm just going to go ahead and say it. Shamelessly. Because I know I am not alone. In terms of peace, love and happiness.... best year ever! Because I fell in love with and married my husband who adores me.

2010 will always be a banner year. Pivotal.

I had to give up the franchise and figure out a different career path.... Still working out the details of all that, but I know I will always look back on this year as one where my life began to change for the better and in ways I could not have foreseen at the beginning. And I will continue to be grateful for and happy about all of the good things that have happened to me this year.

About Me

Someone brought it to my attention over a month ago that I needed to change my About Me info since I am no longer single.


I agreed. It had occurred to me, I just wasn't sure what to say instead. I wanted to pay homage to my original sentiments while accurately reflecting the changes that have occurred in my life since I started the blog 3.5 years ago.

As is the case with many of us locked bloggers, my blog has evolved to be less about my hair and more about my random thoughts and observations, but I hope those who stop by continue to enjoy my musings.

Here's what I came up with ~

The new:

I started this blog as a single girl just trying to make her way in the world. I am now a newlywed trying to navigate my way through this new business of being married. I love my husband dearly; he is very many of the things I always knew I wanted but feared I might never find...


I am still living life, finding fulfillment, and making memories every day...

It is my honest intention to continue detailing my journeys in the hopes that my stories will help others as those who came before have helped and encouraged me. Enjoy!


The old:


I am a single girl just trying to make her way in the world. I am looking for love, but I am not waiting for 'the one' to make my dreams come true.


I am living life, finding fulfillment, and making memories every day...

When I have a question, it has probably already been answered elsewhere. And when I offer opinion, it has probably been said before - but not in my words, or with my voice...

So, I intend to detail my journeys in the hopes that my stories will help others as those who came before have helped and encouraged me. Enjoy!

Crazy Stuff

So... the hubby and I have decided to lease his condo and live elsewhere.

We're doing the usual things. We printed flyers. We posted online.

But we also decided to be a little more proactive and browse the Craigslist 'housing wanted' section for potential tenants. Well... I found this title and had to read!

Sex offenders not all the same

I kid you not!

He goes on to elaborate about why he should be given a chance:

Just because I am a sex offender does not mean I am not normal, can not pay my bills, or am a danger to others. I grew up in incest and continued the cycle. I have since grown up and learned the error of my ways.

Just because I was conditioned to resort to sex to handle my stress and abuse as a child does not mean that I will repeat those same mistakes. For one, I have learned the punishment for engaging in sex crimes and never wish to go back there.

I will pay my rent on time, cause no problems, keep to myself, and will be thankful for being given a chance.

I just want a place to live. I can afford up to $600 a month. I want running water but will consider a cabin if that is my only choice. I would like to stay in the valley, but will consider going to A-. Serious replies only please. Hatemongers and sadists please do not reply.

I guess in a way, he does have a point. Sex offenders need a place to live too, but I couldn't rent to one in my neighborhood in good conscience. It's just one of those things...

UnderCovers

I really, really want this show to make it.

The early buzz is good. From the trailers it looks very Mr. and Mrs. Smith - which is one of my all-time favorite movies. Whatever you want to say about them in real life, I loved the on-screen chemistry between Brad and Angie.

I love this concept even more - for several reasons. First of all, J.J. Abrams is attached to the project. Need I say more?

Number 2: Boris Kodjoe. Again, no explanation necessary.

But the third thing I love is that J.J. and NBC decided that maybe it's time an African-American married couple can carry a prime-time series that isn't a sitcom. I hope that the show doesn't get lost in the sea of September premieres. And if it is a little slow building and finding an audience, I hope the network gives it time.

I'm going to watch.

I want to see a good-looking, well-dressed, smart and fashionable (not wise-cracking and struggling) AA married couple on TV. Every week.

For clips, interviews and trailers, click here.

Go Girls!

Even though I am no longer single and getting deeper into my thirties with each passing day, I still enjoyed reading this about my slightly younger counterparts.

Single, childless women in their twenties are outearning males in the biggest urban areas.

According to Census stats from 2008, women aged 22 - 30 who are without husband or children earn 8% more than men in the same age group in the top 366 metro areas. Women outearn men in 39 of the 50 biggest cities and match their wages in another 8. Women earn 21% more in Atlanta.

Apparently this is due to the fact that more and more women are going to college after high school. Three-quarters of us, as compared to two-thirds of men. We are also earning more advanced degrees allowing us to command higher salaries.

Check this out: "The trend is especially apparent in cities where minority groups make up more than half the population. Among blacks and Hispanics, women are more than twice as likely as men to earn college degrees."

Now, that can definitely be taken two ways. What social ills are holding our men back? That's another entry I'm not inclined to write, but it's positive to note that minority women are getting it done.

For the complete USA Today article click here.

Natural Hair Fad

The LWC strikes again:

I found this post and comments on Naturally Sophia's Blog very interesting.

I've been natural for almost 20 years now, since the age of 15. I relapsed into relaxing twice.

Once around the age of 19, I experimented with texturizers in an attempt to bring uniformity to my curl pattern, not realizing then that my hair was just going to do what it was going to do.

It grows how it grows and chemicals won't change that. Not in a way that I like.

And again about 2 years later, I had a job that was very important to me at the time (actually, a volunteer assignment, a cause) where my immediate superiors decided that my look did not properly represent the cause.

With tears and trauma, I relaxed my hair to straight. I hated it SO much. It wasn't worth the price. I quit the cause. I cut my hair. I started over fresh and never looked back.

It was terrible at the time, but I am glad I had the experience, because there were times when I was struggling with this Deep South humidity and I thought that a relaxer might be the way to go, but only Fleetingly.

Because then I would remember how awful that final relaxer experience was. How it sucked the life and vibrance from my hair. How I felt so oppressed.

Most men and people of other races - and truly a lot of black women - don't understand what a connection to naturalness you develop.

It becomes a part of your identity. Like your skin color or eye color. When you look in the mirror and see something else, you feel like someone else. I felt like I was bleaching my skin or getting a nose job or some other drastic cosmetic alteration to minimize my ethnicity.

I don’t judge others harshly for choosing to do so, but it really went against my personal grain in a way that I did not realize it would.

Being locked or not is different from being curly or straight for sure.

It is more permanent, but in a way that is good and comforting to me, not in a way that feels limiting or restrictive.

I get angry now when people suggest that I'll get tired of my locks one day and take them out.

And the funny thing is: I know maybe I will cut them and start over with something else SOME day, but not because I am tired of them. Not because I no longer love them. Not because I prefer straight hair or curly hair.

I really don't know what would make me give them up.

I get lots more compliments on my locks now that they are past my shoulders. Enough people seem to realize that if your locks are that long, your straight hair would be 6 - 10 inches longer. And they are fascinated with that.

So I get more comments that say: You should take those out and straighten it. Then it would be REALLY pretty. Or, Don't you want to see how long it REALLY is? Or, Sisterlocks. I've thought about getting those. You can take them out when you want, right?

I am SUPREMELY annoyed.

Each and every time.

I'm not saying that locks or SLs have to be a lifetime commitment for everyone. When I got mine, I didn't know if I would really keep them. I was kind of afraid that I wouldn't like them from the start and might be ready to give them up in the first 6 months. And after the money I invested (while unemployed at the time) I figured at the very least I should keep them for a year to get my money's worth.

But I was in love with them from DAY ONE. So taking them out never seemed like a viable option.

Natural hair was never a fad for me. I do agree that going natural, staying natural, and being natural requires much more of a commitment than 'looking' natural.

But seeing so many more people with a natural look is a very good thing. Natural weaves and wigs are high-maintenance and expensive.

I wore kinky twist extensions for years before I got tired of the fakeness - they were always bulky and the texture was much coarser than my own hair, far inferior to the soft thickness of the natural locks I rock today - and decided to see what my own hair would do. They were a good bridge to where I am now.

If wearing and seeing fake natural hair leads more of us to a place where we are comfortable experimenting with the hair that grows from our heads, then I cannot see that the current fad will be a bad thing. Many fads become trends. I think natural hair is here to stay.

Simply because so many people are getting fed up with the expense and maintenance other styles require. Not that natural hair is cheap or easy to maintain, but I'd rather spend time and money to be proud of my heritage and make the most of who I am than to try to cover that up and look like someone else.

And I believe more and more of us are coming to that realization with each passing day.

So...

I did it. I took the plunge!

Two weeks ago I got married. On a Monday. In blue jeans. Just the two of us.

I have not posted at all in the last three months because there has been a fair amount of chaos in my personal life.

Stuff. Just stuff.

Work. Family. Finances.

I've really just been trying to sort it all out and keep my head above water.

My aforementioned relationship continued to progress well. We had a few of the usual-type snags along the way. (I would have been highly suspicious if we had not. A sign that one or both of us was lying, delusional, or apathetic.)

As early as April we started to talk about getting married in late August. I picked a dress and researched venues for the reception, caterers, photographers, invitations and all manner of other wedding-related incidentals.

Studied up on and compared prices and deposit policies; juggled dates even had one place pencil me in for a preferred date of 8/21 and put me down for first right of refusal until I could secure it with a deposit.

But like I said, life continued to happen with no sympathy or regard for the fact that I was trying to plan my wedding. I hit obstacle after obstacle and by the last week in June when all of the decisions had to be made and most of the verbal commitments had to be finalized with cold, hard cash, I found I was not ready.

Still ready and willing and eager to say, "I do," to the man who would become my husband, but not ready at all to commit to all the rest - the menu and the colors and the date.

Every time we talked about any of it there was anxiety and hesitation in my voice.

I know my SO began to read it as lack of commitment and doubt about us. As much as I protested and tried to reassure him and convince him that things were otherwise, I could tell he had his doubts.

It was never a serious strain, but I could tell that over time it would become so.

By the first week in July we had a discussion where we decided that an August wedding was definitely out, and I began to lobby for October, but even at that I was having problems nailing it down and committing to a date, and, truthfully in terms of planning and follow-through I was much more comfortable with dates as far out as Spring 2011.

But there were problems with that. Lots.

Our religious beliefs dictate that we would not live together unmarried. And there was so much we talked about doing in the next 6 - 9 months when we first decided we would marry in August. Not being married and in the same household would definitely complicate most and outright cancel some of those plans.

Because we are both in our early 30's we each have very separate and distinct individual lives. I think this is a good thing, but, like I said before, though we felt ready for a blending, it was/is still going to be somewhat problematic. However, we were/are eager to start that process.

We reached a point in the development of our relationship where living together under the same roof and making joint decisions is the next logical step. It felt like putting that on hold until Spring would do more harm than good.

We had discussion after discussion about what to do next.

I really didn't want to do a cheap, slapped-together, last-minute wedding. I only intend to marry once and I was quite set on having an elegant affair or an elopement. I apologized repeatedly to my fiance for being so all or nothing and with no real in-between.

I felt bad.

He was very, very understanding.

I wanted to wait until everything was perfect. Until I was a size 4 again. Until my work schedule stabilizes. Until I get a bunch of bills paid and we still had money left to throw a fabulous reception for not less than 100 people. Until my best friends were not traveling internationally... The list was long...

For all of our discussions on what to do, how to do it, and when, it always came back to one thing for him.

He always said: I just want to marry you and start our lives together.

Aww...., right?

So a couple of Saturdays ago after another intense discussion (honestly, it wasn't an argument), he said: Marry me.

To which I said: You asked me that already. I said, 'Yes', I'm wearing the ring you gave me.

To which he said: No, I mean Monday, the day after tomorrow.

Oh? Really? Do you mean that?

I do.

So we didn't talk about it for all of Sunday even though I know it was on his mind and we spent the day together. We both slept on it and on Monday morning it was kind of like: Do you want to?/I don't know - do you want to?

Both of us had slept on it and prayed on it and we really, really talked about it Monday morning. We asked all the important questions and offered all of the relevant reassurances to each other all over again.

And later that afternoon we made it official.

It was a huge weight off my shoulders. I am so relieved. I can focus on us again and not worry about all of the wedding-related details.

I still want to throw a fabulous party for friends and family, but the clock is no longer ticking on it. We don't have to wait for all of the details to come together just so. We have already begun joining our lives.

It is still challenging and parts will not be easy. We are still having our individual struggles, but we can also rely on each other just a little bit more than we could before. We can each be more certain that the other is really in it for the long haul.

And that feels really good.

Plus: We have a super-cool anniversary date: 08.09.10.

I love that!

But not as much as I love my new husband.

Still in Love...

With my man, and my Sisterlocks...

I know! I need to post pics. Y'all forgot what I look like, right?

I misplaced my camera about 4 months ago and have yet to find it and I refuse to buy a new one. I'm really upset about it because I wanted to post about my weight loss and my locking progress with pictures!

But the important thing is the changes, not so much the pictorial record of how it all came to pass - to me anyway. Y'all know pictures are not important to me, so I've been slack on that part of this whole blogging project from the get-go, so none of you are really surprised.

I am actually a little frustrated with myself this time though, because I have experienced such positive changes, I want everyone to know!

Ah well, I'll get around to it. I have been a little disctracted...

As I mentioned, I am in love. Really, truly in love with a very wonderful man. I absolutely adore him. He is everything I ever wanted.


Really. And I have been hesitant to say so because I have not wanted to come on here and gush about him...

Not just yet.

He knows I journal and have done so since I was a teenager and I told him I have a blog.

I asked him not to read it, but this is the Internet. There is nothing secret about it. I knew he could find it if he looked. I asked him not to and so he didn't. And I appreciated that very much.

There's actually nothing on here that I haven't told him about (that he'd be interested in). I'm pretty sure he doesn't care about what shampoo I decided to start using a year and a half ago, so, yeah, I've left out some of the irrelevant details.

But he knows all of my opinions, everything about my career and past relationships, goals, the terrible stuggles with my weight and how and why it came to pass as well as what I decided to do about it and how recent all of that was.

I was not at my top weight when our relationship started and we both know he would not have been physically attracted to me if I had been. I do not fault him for that. I was ready to crawl into a hole when I was 15 lbs overweight. So when I was almost 200 lbs, I was ready to die! I had genuine feelings of self-loathing at the time.

I know, intellectually in the grand scheme of life and death it was not that serious that I should have fixated on it to that degree and I'm sure that kind of negative thinking made it harder for me to make positive changes. It was not the best time in my life - physically or emotionally.*

But like I said in my previous post: I started making changes for self-improvement in every area of my life before I met him. And I got back on track to becoming the person I know I am supposed to be and living the life I am supposed to live.

And he saw that. He responded to that.

I love that he sees the best in me. I need that. I am very hard on myself. I have high expectations, all the time, sometimes to a discouraging degree. He helps me remember that I am very special just the way I am and I love him for it.

*We've talked about it. We've talked about it all...

He knows that's not who I am now, nor is it who I was for most of my life, nor do I ever intend to find myself there again. And he is enough into fitness and overall good health that I have no fears that it will not be easy to continue with the good habits I always had before and have recently re-established.

I do not foresee that the weight issues will ever be a problem again...

But back to the point about him reading my blog: he respected my request not to read it. He apparently did not even look for it as a result of my request.

I have nothing to hide, but it is one of those things....Some of what I've talked about (like my weight loss struggles) has been much easier to share with strangers than people I know intimately. And the rest would just not be that interesting to him.

He loves me, but I doubt he cares that my hair grew an inch last month and I started 8 new locks. I don't care as much about the details as when I started! I know I have comical stories and experiences intertwined, but I just never figured he'd feel like wading through it all.

And, well, even though I've told him how I feel, I just wasn't ready for him to read the posts where I talk about him. You've read them. They are not unflattering in the least. He even knows the details about how I was feeling about life and love just before we became an item.

We've really talked about it all, but something about seeing things in writing.... I don't know... I just wasn't ready for him to see it all yet, but I had in mind to share it with him soon. Very soon. Within the next month or so.

So he could choose for himself to read or not read. Any or all of it that is out there for the world to see. Why not him as well?

I don't have a readership of millions... never will, my little life is not that interesting. But amazingly enough, over the last 3 years, I have attracted a readership of thousands.

Is there anyone who reads it religiously? No. I don't post often enough to have a true following, but I track who reads and how often and I am available to people who want to contact me.

Readers often e-mail me with questions and comments. Some even call, and I've met quite a few up close and in-person.

It's been a fun experience.



But back to my guy: I have told him everything about myself that might be remotely relevant to our present and future. I have told him things that no one else knows. Not my best friends, not other exes, not family.


Why? Because I knew early, early on that I wanted to marry this man and I wanted there to be no secrets between us.


He did the same.

Did he tell his family and friends the details?* Did I?

*None of which were especially sordid, I might add. I have managed to live a fairly decent life - no skeletons.

He did not tell my secrets. I did not tell his. They are my secrets. And his secrets.


There is nothing I believe he will ever tell me about himself or his past that can ever make me love him less than I do right now. And I know he feels the same. Some things aren't as I would have wished them to be. For both of us.

But we are in our thirties.... Who has made it to this age and not made mistakes of some type?

People who haven't lived....

Am I intensely proud of every single thing I've done from birth until now? Um... that would be a, 'No.'

It's like my girl Jill Scott sang famously:

Your background it ain't squeaky clean
Sometimes we all got to swim upstream
You ain't no saint, we all are sinners
But you put your good foot down and make your soul a winner

I respect that, man you're so phat
And you're all that
Plus supreme
Then you're humble
Man I'm numb Yo
With feeling
I can feel everything that you bring

Let's take a long walk
Around the park after dark
Find a spot for us to spark
Conversation, verbal elation, stimulation
Share our situations, temptations, education, relaxations....

Y'all know I love me some Jill...

But not as much as I love my man. He really is all that and then some.

Anyway...

If there's one thing I do have low tolerance for, it's people who are judgmental and unforgiving. People who pretend that they've never mispoken or stretched or bent the truth or plotted revenge (I said plotted, not carried out...:-), or done something/anything untoward at some point in their lives are low on my list of favorites.

You just know it isn't true. I'm all for righteousness. I try to do the right thing at all times. I really do. Self-righteousness, however, sucks!

Everybody does or says or thinks something they shouldn't at some point. It's just a matter of frequency, motive and degree. Everyone has lied at some point in life. Everyone has taken advantage of someone else at some point. Everyone has hurt someone that they cared about.

And try as any of us might, most of us are going to do it all again at some other point between tomorrow and the day we die. That's life. That's being human.

...So I'm not looking for perfection. Never was. Neither is he.


And yet. And still. I feel like he is so very perfect for me.


I know... if that doesn't sound ultra-sappy, what does? But I refuse to apologize for it now. Or ever. I want it always to be true. And I honestly think it will be.


I am not so unrealistic in my expectations as to believe we will never disagree or disappoint each other, but you know all the stuff I've said in the past about seeing one's flaws and faults and loving and forgiving them anyway? All the things I've said about how I love...?


He loves the same way.


Really. Actually. Demonstratively. Consistently.

Who hasn't had bad things happen to them? Who hasn't been hurt or lied to or betrayed? No one.


And without putting his business in the streets... he has had to deal with a lot of crap over the years from people who should have cared for him and looked out for him. People who were supposed to love him and have his best interests at heart.

I have too. It's something we have in common.

And yet, he is amazingly resilient and open and loving. Like I cannot believe sometimes.

He amazes me. Every day. Really and truly.

He knows. I've told him. I love him so much!

I save most of my declarations of adoration for my journal entries so that my friends and family won't tire of listening to me singing his praises. Just yesterday I was musing on how different he is. From everyone who came before.

And how I want to spend my life with him because he is just that uniquely amazing.

I do know that if and when he asks me to, I will most certainly say, 'Yes', without any doubts or reservations.

Sigh....

Ok, OK!

Really, I've got to find my camera so I can take pictures and post about my hair again!

Because the same way I know he doesn't care about Sergei and Svetlana... I know that most of you did not come here for this...so I will try my best to make my next post about my hair! It's been a very long while since I've updated everyone.

Toodles!

Law of Attraction

I did decide to do better and be better all on my very own before I met him. I began taking steps to correct the things that weren't working in my life.

I am steadily losing weight through healthier eating habits and exercise. I am getting organized again. I restructured my business for better work-life balance.

And now, knowing him, loving him is just added motivation to continue cultivating seeds I'd already planted.

I feel so far removed even now from the person I was in December. I experienced a monumental spiritual and emotional growth spurt. A true paradigm shift. I look back now and I still can't believe it. How far I have come in such a short while. But I am happy for it.

Happy that I was ready for him to come into my life.

I do very much feel that we will continue to grow together. He wants all the same things that I do, with the same intensity, to the same degree.

I've never experienced this and neither has he. And both of us have so much appreciation.

Guess Who!

Guess who is in love!

That's right. I am. I am.

I guess sometimes things do fall out of the sky. Feels like that anyway.

I was commiserating with a married friend about my particular set of needs, wants and desires and how I know that I am a singular individual. I am not what every man wants and it's not a self-esteem issue, believe me.

In spite of some of the things I said in the previous post and my ongoing struggles with my weight, I like the person that I am. I stand by the choices that I've made, but there are things that I want and don't want in a life partner and it's a unique combination. For example: I want someone with strong family values, but I don't want to have children of my own. I want someone with strong religious convictions who is also liberal and tolerant of the beliefs of others.

I want someone who celebrates and supports my independent nature who will also understand my vulnerability and therefore not belittle me for needing him desperately even though most of the time I will pretend that I don't. I want him to never call me out on this. (That one alone is a tall order and I know it!)

I know that I am a study in contradictions and I live with daily ambivalence about most things. I am extremely quirky and hard-to-read. On and on my list goes like so.

So...

I am a flavor that is not for everyone, and indeed not for most.

And so...

As you all read, I was pretty well resigned to being alone for the next long while.

It was to be a time for sorting things out within myself.

Little did I know what was in store for me. And whether it came from God or The Universe, I still can't say. I only know that he is here with me now.

I was telling my friend what I wanted and how I know it is unlikely that I will find him.

It has been a recurring theme, but this time a solution presented itself.

He's a professional, self-employed, like me. Not divorced, no baby mama drama. And not a jerk or a playboy. Not emotionally stunted or socially inept. Just a really sweet guy with all of the very same values looking for love. And marriage.

None of that let's-keep-this-open-and-see-where-it-goes crap I bought into in my 20's. I was all for it then. It wasn't forced on me and merely tolerated. I was admittedly something of a commitment-phobe myself. I'll be the first to say it.

However this is different. Because we both knew from the start that we each wanted a real, grown-up relationship, we didn't play any games at all. We had the hard conversations first - about children and exes and debt and emotional baggage. If we'd run into a dealbreaker, it would have been easier to break it off then, but we didn't and, simultaneously, we also had the fun conversations about where our lives are headed and what's important to us - favorite movies and books!

Yes! Books! He reads! That's huge in my world! He is well-read and honestly he is the smartest man I have ever dated. I think he may just be a genius.

If I do say so myself, I have a very large vocabulary and he uses words that I don't know.* (Well, not really... there was just the one word, the one time, but still - that never happens!)

*And not in that condescending I'm-just-going-to-use-random-big-words-to-make-myself-seem-smart way that annoys me. It really is just the way that he thinks.

He teaches me things, so I find it easy to look up to him and follow him and yet he always makes me feel as if he needs me too and just as much as I need him, if not more.

It's wonderful. He's wonderful! And he thinks I'm wonderful too! And beautiful and gorgeous and smart and amazing!

And he tells me so.

All the time.

He fell in love with me rather instantly and never felt the need to pretend like he didn't. That in and of itself put him in a class by himself.

It has not been very long in the grand scheme and we are not engaged, but he has repeatedly told me that I am The One for him. We have not yet met each other's families (only because of scheduling and logistics), but he knows that I will fit in perfectly with his family and he assured me that they will love me as much as he does and I believe him.

I feel the same way about him.

It has been a true whirlwind romance - thrilling, exciting, and scary all at once, but I wouldn't trade it.

In the interest of good judgment, we are letting things progress a little more slowly from here because we do both believe that marriage should not be entered into lightly because it should also be for life. Neither one of us wants to do this more than once. And much as we do want a common future, we have our very separate lives that will not easily be blended into one.

But I am so happy we've gotten to know each other.

Even though I felt like I was not ready for love and I still feel like there is much room for self-improvement, I know that I can be a better person with him, for him and because of him.

Sigh....

There are still many more things we must learn - questions to be asked and answered - and some things that can only be observed and proven with the passage of time, but I just had to share!

More to come...