Thursday, July 12, 2007

Thank You for Your Support

To those who commented on my Wanderlust post: Thank you.

Dstdiva: I have so many other things in common with others in th SL community, I knew I couldn't be alone in this experience.

Carmen: If I do it, you're welcome.

WIP: Girl...I am the O-riginal long-winded commenter! So, if you have something to say about any one of my posts, say it all while you're here.

I did really love him, but I was amazed at how quickly I got over him. (We were together 3 years.) Not that it wasn't intense at first (the heartache and longing), but when I was ready to move on, I was totally ready. And I was surprised at how quickly I got to that point. Within three months. Now, the first two months, three weeks and five days were rough. There were lots of sleepless nights and tearful prayers, but one day I woke up and realized that I was so glad we had parted ways. I realized that it really wasn't meant to be.

One thing I am happy about is the fact that I am already a homeowner, but there are other goals (travel plans, business opportunities, career advancement and continuing education) that I simply neglected because I chose to put US (meaning: him) first. At the time it was okay. I would not mind now if we had stayed together. And we would have stayed together if there had been some reciprocity.

He really had never had anyone help him in the ways I was willing to help him reach his full potential. I didn't mind putting him first as long as I believed we would take turns.

You know how you assume there will be give and take, so you don't mind making sacrifices? But then one day it dawns on you that you're the only one giving? And you're just like: Hold up! Wait a minute!

That's how it went down.

I've always wanted to travel and live (not just visit) in other parts of the world. I actually had plans to teach english in Thailand when we started dating. And I canceled an extended trip to Europe with one of my girls because it conflicted with the ideal dates for our wedding and honeymoon.

I have always been restless. As much as I did love him, the thought of putting down roots here and building the type of life that would not allow us to pick up and move easily if we wanted did not ever appeal to me, and I think it is one of the reasons we eventually split. Nothing against the Carolinas either, but I am not fom here. It is not my home. He was born here. His family is here and he has never lived anywhere else, nor does he desire to.

We had been drifting apart for months and when we sat down and had an honest talk about where our lives were headed and what we really wanted, we saw how many things we didn't see eye to eye on. We want a lot of the same things, but not to the same degree and we have very divergent ideas about the best ways to 'get there'. Neither do we have the same priorities. I am just glad we recognized it on this side of "I do!"

It really is okay.

I really am okay.

I am actually at the point of being glad that we ended it. (This is not at all to say that it didn't hurt. A lot!) But I know it is the best thing and the thing that should have happened.

Here is how I always felt: If you are of a certain age and you have any sort of ambition, you will have individual goals that you are working toward. If you have any sort of standards, you will be attracted to people who also have goals. Chances are those individual goals are not exactly the same. But if you love him and he loves you, then you will support each other in reaching those goals. He will adopt some of yours and you will adopt some of his and the two of you will work toward them together. Granted, some of the individual goals will not fit into your new life, but some of them you would never have reached anyway (life is so short and full of unforeseen occurrences), so it is not a big deal to choose to abandon some of them to choose to do something else with and for the sake of someone you love.

But one day I realized that I was the only one of the two of us who was doing that. He hadn't given up anything. We were going to live the life he always planned for himself. I had made all the adjustments. He had made none. (I am usually suspicious of all or nothing statements like this, but he would tell you himself that this is true.) I thought it was an oversight. You know how you just get into a rut? Sometimes you fall into patterns of behavior and decision-making without realizing.

So, I brought it to his attention. He was unwilling or unable to change.

And so it ended.


muslimahlocs said...

"He was born here. His family is here and he has never lived anywhere else, nor does he desire to."
i had a suitor like this before i met my husband. i know some people like stability but folks who are rooted to one spot like ancient redwoods scare me.

there are so many brothers and others out there with "potential" that we would all love to save, nurture, help...etc. some would appreciate that sort of self-sacrifice. others will not and never will.

there are also lots of good brothers and others out there that have already self-actualized, found themselves, have their stuff together, do not live at home with their mothers, etc. that are just waiting for the "right" woman to come along w/out drama, w/o baggage, w/o bebe's, etc. just be ready!

Carmen In NC said...

You have mail! Check your yahoo!

Renea said...

I just went through a similar break-up...where you know it's for the best, but it still hurts awhile. Sometimes you realize that while your love may last, your relationship has to change.
You'll meet the man for you living the life you want.

Naturally Sophia said...

I so know how you feel. Check my post out from yesterday about "Heartbreaker Decepticon". Some exes you just know what's best, but it hurts. My problem is I always am thinking of how good things could be instead of actually looking at what's going on. I also felt in this rel't, I was the only person comprimising anything. Stay Blessed!

Aya said...

I must commend you for allowing yourself to vulnerable by sharing this, and for the way you are handling it all. I know splitting up is not easy, but with time it will get easier.

Sincerely, Aya

n'Drea said...

Wow, I agree with Aya. Thanks for sharing.